Today is Wednesday, May 25th

For someone who believes in seizing the day... I've been blowing it lately.  I've been hibernating off and on... tending to T and not wanting to engage...I think I'll get over it but in the meantime it's all that I can handle.  Phone conversations are even a test for me.  I realize I have to get over the emotional hurdles I've been putting myself through and get back to normal but I really don't know what that looks like yet.  Today a Medical Social Worker came by.  I thought it was overkill.... we went from no help to a list of possibilities overnight.  What happened?  Did they think I was going postal?  Am I paranoid?  Who cares?  Anyway, the visit was fruitful.  I was able to vent.  Unfortunately, she can't be the bridge between the 2 facilities but she listened and for the first time a DNR was fully explained to us.  Neither T nor I realized what that really meant.  A DNR means that if one stops breathing or is having issues of any kind; there will be no steps taken to try to resuscitate, CPR or even a call to 911.  I thought it meant that no extraordinary measures would be taken like a respirator or machines.  I didn't think it meant every measure to try and revive one, like paddles to the chest etc.  I don't accept that for myself or T.  I would want every possible measure taken to try and revive my love.  He or I wouldn't want to be put on a respirator forever.  We're in agreement on that.  But that's it.  After all we've been through,  you bet I want to try and revive him!

Life never ceases to amaze me.  We saw Nicole Kidman's "Rabbit Hole"  tonight.  Pretty dark and left me in a hopeful mood about where I am right now.  Interesting how we're led down certain paths.  After watching Oprah's last 3 shows this week, I recognize yet again that I own my path.... I just don't know where I'm going... Soul Searching 101 seems to be the lesson of the day.  Let's see ... my life evolves in 7 year cycles.   Is it time?

My entrepreneurial spirit keeps surfacing... the dilemma navigating the treatment regimen with the mechanics of making the scheduling etc. work for us and getting help to understand the miasma;  reminds me of the difference between a mac & a pc.  Apple put a lot of time & energy into the user interface so that you or I wouldn't have to put a lot of effort into making a computer work.  We wouldn't have to worry about where a document was- C drive? or how to email or print.  It was all intuitive.  You could get to the heart of the job you had to do rather than having to figure out how to do it first.  Elegant & easy...   how to solve the situation we're in?  I know we're not lone ponies.   Does it yearn for a solution?  Could I?  Should I?