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Concerned Citizen and a Serial Entrepreneur wrapped in a progressive democratic soul longing for us all to get along.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Today is Saturday, November 29th

I am so grateful... John & Shar came in to share this time with Riley and I... Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for each and every day we are lucky enough to be alive....

I am very fortunate and oh so grateful for love of spouse, Riley, friends and family, my home, my neighborhood and my place in the world we live in... uncovering just who I am now is my adventure...  my journey...

"For the blessings you have bestowed upon this family

For all the days we've had together and all the days to come

For the joys and sorrows that bind us ever closer

For the trials we have overcome

and for teaching us that we can do no great things... only small things with great love"

We thank you,   amen.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Today is Sunday, November 23rd

Big day tomorrow... would have been our 19th Anniversary... my first without my rock.  Time to be with family and friends... I have a lot to be thankful for and I keep trying to remind myself to be grateful.... each and every day....

I realize just how lucky I am to have had a relationship and a deeply abiding love for 21 years...  we had our problems, our ups and downs but let's face it... when two people love each other they have to fight to keep the story going... nothing is perfect except for the exceptional sunset the last few nights....

Thank you dear Lord for allowing me to love and love deeply and now to grieve  and then, to heal...

Monday, November 17, 2014

Today is Monday, November 17th

Thank God for the up days!!!  Those are the light and bright and hopeful...

Taking care of business today... phone calls dealing with the minutia and catching up and muddling through.  Sometimes the sympathy and kindness of strangers, friends and family blows me away...

In the wake of never receiving a phone call or email re the non-appearance of my iPhone 6+ from Verizon (contracted for 10/3) I called AT&T and actually talked to a wonderful support person who finally cancelled T's cell phone, put me on a new much better and far cheaper wireless plan and credited my account for the expired gift card ($ left from the buy back of my 4s last year) after I explained that I had a little bit going on in our lives this year.  I also didn't order a new phone cause I need to go see it again and figure out whether a 6+ is too large to carry around all the time.... my 5s is working well right now and there is a back log apparently so, I wouldn't get it for several weeks anyway but I'm trying out something new.  Tempering my impulsive nature and thinking things through... Tracy's saying ahhhh

Would you believe that this old dog may learn new things?

A friend who now has another friend's newly diagnosed husband; asked me what I found most helpful during T's fight to live.  Here's part of my reply:

Compassion, continued loving support no matter how long it takes.     4 years was a long time.  I'm still exhausted & grieving. I was very lucky cause my long time friends from over the hill never gave up especially in those last six months. They basically took over and made it so I never had to think about food, drink or sleep or spelling me at the hospital.  When you're in the fight of your life you need every bit of energy and advocacy for your loved one. Fuck everything else. I was extremely lucky. In the last month Marilyn even took over my business. 

now is the time for healing and enjoying each and every day even if I don't feel like getting out of bed... there's a large candle lit and I've been listening to music all day as I work through the details... Riley ran with Judy today and I'm resting my knee...  

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.
Henry Scott Holland :

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Today is Saturday, November 15th

Sometimes I'm totally taken aback at how volatile grief is ... was feeling so strong on Thurs.... I'd tackled so many more issues....Wed. evening the electrician had lauded T's wiring of the garage and the fact that everything was labeled so clearly and tied to a GFCI which was the only reason why all the lights in the front of the house had stopped working... it had tripped... reset button depressed and wa la lights!!!  that after Alan and Gary Reed had taken the panel off and checked the specific wires and we'd all just shaken our heads at why nothing worked....  so big thing done... motion detector nice and bright out in front, light post on...  lots of other little things taken care of all involving phone calls or notes...
Placate a client, see a couple houses on tour and then, the attorney.  Very capable and affordable- Cal Berkeley alumni left me feeling that we'd get those stinkers out of 105 eventually but I'd have some work to do.  I wrote up a couple more CAR forms and a note and mailed them on Fri.  Timing will be interesting... Wouldn't it be nice to get rid of them in a timely fashion?  and then, deal with the mess they've made of Tracy's handiwork.  Anyway,  lots of anger & frustration over that....but still feeling strong ..  then, I sat in bed and came up with a list of invitees for the memorial... 106 plus I hadn't even gotten in touch with Toni or Terri.  So, I panicked.  Tears and more tears...

my heart just isn't there yet.  I've been beating myself up.  I feel like I should be ready but I'm not.  I haven't even tackled the downstairs bedroom with T's packed stuff or his clothes in my closet... I wrapped myself in his robe last night... just not ready... I think.  I know other people have been able to do this more quickly and i'm disappointed with myself...  I'm having a mammogram today and physical next week and had my fasting blood test ( good results so far) which prompts all the ?'s about who is my emergency contact and what happens if I"m sick?  mostly poor me... cause Carla & I had this conversation last night but there it is...  thank you for understanding... I think T would be saying "there you go again-  everything all at once...  slow down and think it through before you jump"

So, my ya yas  who were at the ready,  conference calls, assignments for trying to pull off the impossible in under 2 weeks.... I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!  You've given me pause yet again... We are family and we'll always be there for each other...

I've been thinking Spring time would be wonderful since we really could do something great on the beach and Jayne suggested perhaps something in conjunction with the Relay for Life - July 15th weekend?  I love that!!  a big informal party for our T so put your thinking caps on and we're open to suggestions...

Now I'm going to kick back and stop kicking myself...  Love you all!!!!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Today is Friday, November 14th

well, this is when Tracy used to rein me in & tell me to think before I committed.  I think I jumped the gun. I'm in the middle of evicting the horrible tenants that have run rampant in our rental & destroyed Tracy's work.  Then comes our 19th anniversary, the first one without T. Thanksgiving without T and then his Memorial all in one week.  Am I nuts? I came up with 106 names.  I haven't called Toni & Tery although I doubt they'd be able to make it. So, what am I to do?  Tracy where are you when I need to seriously discuss this.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Today is Thursday, November 13th

It's raining and I'm giving myself the day off... other than meeting with an eviction attorney at 3PM in Watsonville.   Tracy's place is surrounded by lit candles and Riley has joined me in bed.

I am finally at peace with a major decision... it's time for Tracy's Memorial...A Celebration of T's Life.  I'm going to put a list of folks together and we're formulating ideas with Deb, Diane, Jayne & Carla, Deanna, but it's gonna be the Sunday after Thanksgiving, the 30th.   I know that I may miss some folks cause they'll be out of town but Thanksgiving was and is a significant time for T & I.  19 years ago we were married the day after Thanksgiving (planned that one in 6 weeks) and we celebrated Mom's birthday that weekend too ( our last together )...  I feel like we all need an opportunity to express the joy of T's life and I hope if folks aren't able to make it;  perhaps they'll send photos, best wishes and/or contribute to the fight against cancer by joining our Race for Trace team...  click the link below to access our team page.


I know it's short notice but somehow this works for my peace of mind right now... a very necessary step for me... I know I'll never be without Tracy in my heart but I also realize he's not coming home... sounds crazy but there were times in the last 4 years when T would be in the hospital for 4 weeks or more... I'd speak with him every day and see him frequently in those times but I always knew he'd come home.  Now I have to acknowledge he's not ever going to come home.. in a public way.. to honor him and close this chapter... I can't move forward without this homage.

I'll always love T and always have him in my heart... he was my co-pilot in life and I feel him helping me see the road forward... love you all and thank you for your support.

There is nothing so constant as change... and this life is all about living with Plan B....

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Alright already... Au Deux 3

My New Do taken by Jayne

Sunday, November 9th Au Deux

A soon to be happily converted Rio Del Mar resident,

sent me these from yesterday's foray to the beach...  shot with a Nikon Thanks Yvette!!!

Today is Sunday, November 9th

Hallelujah!!  I've had a breakthrough... Finally hit me....realized on my way over the hill yesterday as I clicked into the beauty of the coast and our surroundings perhaps for the first time in months.... I've been living in fear since T relapsed... that's a long time to reside in feelings that are so antithetical to who I am... I've adapted to hiding... sometimes in plain sight... I marshaled the forces when absolutely necessary but curled into a little ball and reacted only when absolutely necessary.  I've always been the daredevil...pushing the limits and yet the enormity of actually losing T ground my spirit to a screeching halt....  Fear is a terribly lonely space...intimidating... haven't lost a whole lot of battles in my lifetime but this was one that meant too much to me to lose and yet... he's gone.

I miss my T.... his physical presence that 6'4" teddy bear, that voice that enveloped me, his huge arms engulfing me on his lap and being totally embraced, immersed in his being.  The discussions where we took opposite sides and agreed to disagree. We had many ups and downs in 21 years but I never lost sight of the fact that we loved each other and we'd always fight for each other.... I never expected to lose... the shock of the loss of such an important battle and the aftermath can wreak havoc...  Guess what?  it did.

I'm taking baby steps back into life... I know yesterday getting a new hair cut; venturing into Macy's to buy a bra and having chinese food in a restaurant with best friends, Jayne & Carla... not huge but for me, significant....  T is my sidekick... edging me on....

Witnessed T's love of the marine life right here at home  this week... unbelievable!!!  These pics taken with my iPhone 5s.. not great but you get it...

Riley prancing

Surfers watching a whale breach  ahhhh

Once more