About Me

My photo
Concerned Citizen and a Serial Entrepreneur wrapped in a progressive democratic soul longing for us all to get along.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Today is Wednesday, January 28th

Waves are huge... unrelenting and then,  it's low tide....

I'm balancing the stuff of life... work, rentals and becoming 'me' but sometimes all the progress shifts...

I watched Tracy's blue bomber drive away and became a puddle... a neighbor with car trouble and I offered T's truck to use... Riley was so excited to see it back into the driveway after a test drive and then, so confused that it wasn't T driving...

Life happens... I keep listening for his voice in my heart and sometimes I get past my pain only to realize I'm not alone... bad things happen all the time to good people... that's life... and then, the sun comes up again...

It's the journey...


Thursday, January 22, 2015

Today is Thursday, January 22nd

OMG!!!  What a difference the last few days have made in my outlook.... I finally recognized that the 2nd dose of Wellbutrin was making me panicky and full of anxiety... duh...  without the afternoon dose I've felt reasonably normal the last few days and I've handled all kinds of stuff... ahhh... without retreating to my bed...

Just this morning about 6 AM Mr. R decided he needed to go out.  For the first time in months, I just let him out the door of our bedroom... it was still dark;  I was still sleepy & unfortunately, I didn't shine a light down on the yard or make any noises to accompany our Riley down the stairs.... Mr. R surprised a skunk and got a full dose of his displeasure...  oh my... bless our T!!! he'd put the anti-skunk juice together in a bucket in the laundry room, way up high on a shelf and when Riley reappeared with the clinging scent of skunk... he allowed me to treat him to a full dose of antidote in the shower... all before my eyes were truly open.... too bad the smell lingers in the house...

From there to the rentals to adjust the color of the paint for the porch and then, a visit to Linda's friend and long time hairstylist who gave me a make over.... hadn't had a hair cut or color done in several months... photos tomorrow... she gave me highlights and warmed up the color... and is encouraging me to 'be' again...  ahhh

On to the office to meet with my dear client to list her homestead once again.  At last, at a price I believe will sell it....

I am oh, so thankful for I feel T is surrounding me and supporting me and pushing me to move forward... he's in my heart and as I talk to him;  I feel what he would respond and act accordingly... the love of my life wants me to live as he prods me forward...

after all, we truly only have the present and our memories... the future holds no guarantees...

The real question is what if I only had a week left?  What would I choose to do?

I'm on a quest to figure that out...







Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Today is Monday, January 19th Martin Luther King,Jr. Day

5 months ago today we lost the fight.  I'm still having a hard time accepting that he's never coming home.  ... tired of the inner turmoil... of running into people who don't know and ask for T or remark that they haven't seen him or me lately...too sensitive and prickly...

lost another good man last week... someone who made a difference in this world by being a father to many....there's nothing so constant as change and it seems lately, it's accompanied by lots of loss.

I'm too sensitive to what others think... always have been.  Tracy couldn't have cared less.  He was a constant counterpoint. .. seldom affected by others opinions or actions... thought for himself and lived according to his golden rule... how lonely is the knowledge that there's a ticking bomb inside of you?  yet, he put one foot in front of the other and kept fighting and hoping...

I seek peace... finish the rental, accept the betrayal and the knowledge that some folks take advantage when you're down and finally, just be done with it.  "Don't sweat the small stuff" as Tracy would say... it shall be the means to a new phase

I am alive and Riley needs me... thank God.   I get to live in the home we created on the beautiful central coast... so lucky to have survived and he'll always be in my heart.


Friday, January 16, 2015

Today is Friday, January 16th

Wonderful metaphor presented by one of the survivors (that's how I think of we, the widows ) today.... she thinks of us as in the chrysalis stage before we become butterflies...  beautiful metaphor of who I am right now,  or hope to become...

I've been stuck in a stage - guilt & anger and they overpower me at times... guilt because perhaps I could have handled things differently and after all, I was raised as a Roman Catholic 2nd generation full blooded Italian American, middle child of three and only girl... learned from the best... anger because I'm left to deal with stuff that was Tracy's life's work and I just don't get it and hate the role I've had to assume.  I was the business, finance, social manager.... left the care and feeding of our home and rentals to Tracy's loving care.  Ruben is doing things at the rental and I'm hoping... hoping that it will all work out.

Hard to express my feelings but the support group assures me... I'm not a lone pony.  Slowly, I'm evolving but it's 2 steps forward and then, one awfully sad step back... one step at a time... tears at the ready... Riley, now my main man, trying very hard not to disappoint...

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Today is Thursday, January 8th

Sundays are the toughest and then, there's dinner time every night... making multiple decisions almost impossible... multi-tasking HA!... but yesterday, after multiple meltdowns.... and conversations with family and my neighbor;  I made one important decision based on what is best for me.  I never wanted to manage property.  I sell homes.  So, I dove off the cliff and finally, made the decision.  As soon as the renovation is finished;  I will sell our duplex.  That feels good.  That feels right.  That will allow me to step back and just 'be' for awhile.

Walking on the beach with Riley is healing and exercise... next maybe stretch yoga or pilates... at least one decision a day feels like I'm moving forward.  Trusting myself and knowing T would want me to do what's best for me now rather than disloyal to his memory....  perhaps hope is sneaking through...


Sunday, January 4, 2015

Today is January 4th, 2015

4 months, 16 days since T left this earthly plane...  Sometimes I feel his loss so deeply; it's hard to think....tears overflow.... then a glimpse of hope sneaks through after so many years of struggle... Hope was the biggest victim in T's passing.  We had so much hope as we fought through every phase of disease for renewal of a normal life... walking the beach with Riley, sharing food with friends, hearing music, traveling to new places.... Stanford days no more... It's hard to have faith when there's a vacuum of hope...

 It is the beginning of a new year with lots of decisions to be made.  Sell or keep the rentals?  Become an active Realtor again?  Play with clay?  Piano lessons? Preserve or sell T's blue bomber? Clear out all the stuff in the back room?  Attack the garage?  What to do with T's tools? Redo my office into a bedroom and move my stuff into T's lair?  Complete the suite downstairs?  Write? Read or watch movies?  Sit & cry cause T's not here to consult?

Marilyn took me to a matinee of "Wild" yesterday.. gave me pause... must read.  Cheryl Strayed suffered a loss so profound it literally pushed her off an edge...and yet she found her way by doing the extraordinary and finding herself again... I am so grateful for my friends and family....as I try to trust myself again.  I had lost all hope; hence my trust in my decisions faltered.  I need to truly accept that we did the best we could....  come back to 'being me' again.  I keep thinking "if today were my last day;  how would I spend it?"

The rentals are all consuming... Ruben is a huge help... do I trust myself enough to make a reasoned decision to rent again or sell?  Spent over an hour in Home Depot searching for ceiling light fixtures, light bulbs, decorative hinges for the window seats, odd sized 13" x 23" medicine cabinet, smoke detectors.  Need to make the sell or rent decision before I pick the carpeting or do I?   Trust that Ruben's friend can fix the wall heater?  or replace it?   All the while, I just want to run or curl up and escape...

Seniors grief support group starts in 2 weeks... seeing how others cope will help... My 1 on 1 grief sessions ceased on NYE.  My counselor was helpful; said it was an honor to have worked with me as we closed out.  As I walked to the parking lot;  I glimpsed the old /new me.... as 2014 was eclipsed by 2015....