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Concerned Citizen and a Serial Entrepreneur wrapped in a progressive democratic soul longing for us all to get along.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Today is Monday, August 21st 2017

I've survived and thrived and I'm alive!!!!!  Saturday marked the 3rd anniversary of Tracy's death and I wasn't sure how I would or could handle it.  Throw a party --- no, I don't think so... be alone....no, I don't think so... the smallest gathering of loved ones possible? YES!!  So, after the last open house at my listing on Saturday, I stopped at Deluxe and got T's favorites: guacamole, chips and a Very Berry Gizdich pie (later we'd be ordering his other favorite - pizza ).  Home to assemble toasting glasses and Hornitos Reposado Tequila and on to gather my family's ashes:  Spec, Riley, T's Dad and T.  Who knew the ceramic container holding Spec and the wooden box holding Riley weren't accessible?  Well, that changed the dynamic but with wonderful suggestions from Deb, Carla and Gar, we arrived at a solution... I mixed Big Mc with T (Toni had brought out their Dad's ashes years ago ) and then, scooped a nice manageable amount into a bag and off we went to the beach....  T loved Hidden Beach.  He walked down to Hidden Beach as often as possible ... even when he was too ill to walk it;  he'd load Riley and I into his blue bomber and drive down to the beach...

T joined his Dad on the beach

You know it's right when first, 1000's of birds do an unreal endless flight north...  Deb caught it on video and for some insane quirky reason I can't post it..

 then, as we toasted T the whales started breaching and playing all over the place!!!  It was unreal!!!  It was if T was saying "finally! I'm happy now"  and as I walked and spread their ashes... I spoke to the love of my life.... even sang a bit.... and the whales just kept on playing....

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Today is Tuesday, June 20th 2017

I can't even believe how long it's been since I last wrote a blog.  Life has been exciting, terrifying, depressing, lovely, wistful, lonely and I guess, you might say 'normal'.  I lost the love of my life almost 3 years ago and I've been working at finding my way back to 'happy' ever since.  It's an uphill struggle at times but I'm told, grief is a spiral staircase.... each day I awake now, grateful to be alive and thankful for the beauty that surrounds me... and no matter what, missing my T.  "you would've loved that" "oh, our song"  " you would have been crazy mad about that"  and on and on....

I realized this morning after reading an excerpt from Sheryl Sandberg's "Option B" that I had been depriving myself of a critical piece in my slog back from despair....  Writing is a part of who I am... worrying over punctuation and/or grammar is ridiculous compared with the ability to speak from my soul....and get it all out.

Feeling loss so deeply grounded in guilt and remorse isn't healthy for anyone altho' we probably all experience a bit of it.  In the back of my mind, streams of 'you should have' .. 'why didn't you'...'perhaps'... mire my conscious mind and burden me enough to want escape.  Oh, and there's a lot to escape to... streaming content on Netflix and Amazon Prime or any Michael Connelly or Lee Child book allows me to immerse and put my mind at ease....

Then, there's politics... I could rant and rave for hours about the fact that we're living in a country where there's no longer a right or wrong - you're either right or left and that shapes your view of all the shenanigans and the hooligans... that's where I miss T the most.  He and I would have a lot to rant about and that's only part of it.

 I should acknowledge that I've been thinking about slowing down my career too but just as tho' I were planning a vacation;  here come lots of clients wanting my help.

Well, better get back to it... since I'm not going anywhere soon...