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Concerned Citizen and a Serial Entrepreneur wrapped in a progressive democratic soul longing for us all to get along.

Thursday, March 24, 2022

Today is Thursday, March 24th 2022

 What a difference a day makes... that song wakes me... and puts me to sleep... I've been having health issues for about a year now.  Guess it's my turn.  It started a little after I started working with my personal trainer.  Fell in love with crunches... would you believe???  and all of a sudden the trouble began..... terrible cramping on my side and then, it became pain... pain that grabs and won't let go...writhing on the floor of the bathroom not knowing if I can throw up or shit it away... can't ignore it and yet, it's intermittent.  Help?  Kept complaining but with the pandemic raging in 2020 -2021 never found the exact help I needed.  Kept contacting the gastroenterology dept who ordered tests but not THE test.  Finally, the PA listened.  She ordered a CT Scan and they found the culprit.  A 2.2 cm. benign lipoma which would be removed along with about 10 inches of small bowel on April 2nd 2021; 4 months of excruciating pain later and about 2 weeks after the scan.  This lipoma had an ulcer on the end of it and had been twisting the small bowel.  Hence, intense pain as the bowel curved back on itself.  Where did it come from?  Why?  Who knows?  The surgery was the answer.  NOT!!!  

Several visits back to the surgeon and finally, as COVID procedures allowed, a visit to the GP:  she should be the manager of my trauma.  She would direct traffic.  Ahhh... at last after being offered a ridiculous panacea by the surgeon and agreed to by the GP (which I accepted BTW) STRETCH!  that should alleviate the cramping.   Well, here I am a year later.... cramping, extreme bloating, pain, bouts with constipation and diarrhea, intermittent anemia and then, seemingly without any warning other than shortness of breath... Pneumonia.  Well, as I sat with my acupuncturist, Katie as the needles cooked... my symptoms added up to SIBO:  Small intestine bacterial overgrowth.  Ahhh  lucky enough to get back to see the same PA, Kim Elliott who'd listened last year.  She agreed to the synopsis and would treat empirically.  Go for the virulent antibiotics, a double 2 week course which should attack and fix the problem.  One and done... unfortunately for me... all the stool cultures have come back negative and I'm looking like I'm 6 months pregnant with no appetite, nausea, no energy and no reprieve with another week to go on the antibiotics.  What to do?

I'm beside myself.  Utterly frustrated.  Depressed... yes.. Wouldn't you be?  I'm sick of being sick!!!!  I've been offered band aids but nothing has worked.  After a long conversation with 2 friends and harkening back to my T time of discovery, perhaps an infectious diseases expert could be the key?  After all, back in '99 when T was admitted for an unknown virus attacking his body, Dr. Armstrong, an expert infectious diseases expert, came to his rescue.  He was willing to study and experiment and not just apply a band aid.   I believe that the path forward and out of the pervading gloom is to explore and eliminate all the possibilities including ovarian cancer, gall bladder or irritation from scar tissue?  I need answers not placations... 

Let's switch subjects... ah politics... war on truth... Ketanji Brown Jackson is Biden's choice for the Supreme Court.  Fabulous choice but the confirmation hearings are a cruel joke.  She is being eviscerated by the usual flunkies... Cruz, Hawley, Cotton who are all poor excuses for rational human beings... ridiculous questions which allow no possibilities for response or pertinence other than future alt right sound bits for the questioners in the next elections.  Has to be said... if Kavanaugh's outbursts didn't queer his confirmation... this justice certainly has withstood their attacks with aplomb worthy of her next office.  What would have happened if she had followed his suit and counter attacked????  There is no equality of the sexes when these angry white men prevail.   Just think what they're orchestrating with the tacit consent of the Christians?  Voter suppression... elimination of self determination with the inability to have an abortion... and on and on and let's talk about truth... How does Fox get away with Tucker Carlson parroting and endorsing the Russian propaganda line?  How do lies become accepted as truth?  That goes back to Trumpism.... ah that's another day..

Carpe diem... I'm trying...

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

Today is Wednesday, March 9th 2022

 Good morning and it truly is... listening to music, drinking my third cup of coffee and wondering what today will unveil... Cenz pops in ... his velvety smooth tenor as his upturned face reveals his raw emotion and that unbelievable voice sings me home....

Been mired in memories for months now... they're not with us any longer but I see them everywhere.  Is that good or bad?  It feels important to me.  Perhaps it's that I don't want to forget them... that's not gonna happen.  I feel them around me and I'm grateful that I had the pleasure of spending time with them.

Saw my acupuncturist and we collaborated... my symptoms are getting worse and perhaps they add up to SIBO - small intestine bacterial overgrowth.  Emailed my doctor and hopefully, she's listening.  I want to get back to normal and I know there is an answer.

More to come.... stay positive...

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Today is Wednesday, March 2nd 2022

 Thinking... ruminating... obsessing... judging.... condemning.... forgiving...  repeat.   Age old story...  Stuck and then... it's a beautiful day.  Been down with pneumonia since diagnosed on January 27th but truthfully, it's been longer than that.  Exhaustion has plagued me and yet, I chose to ignore it until I couldn't.  Right now, while typing this;  I'm obsessing about the length of my fingernails...  makes it impossible to play piano or guitar (course it'd be more important if I could really play either)... but then, I have both instruments and I'd like to try so, guess I'll be cutting these beauties soon... 

Lots of solitary time due to the pandemic and pneumonia which reinforces the feeling of loss...  perhaps a lapse into grieving for the life of togetherness which ceased 7.5 years ago.  When we were together we could conquer anything... the plurality of 2 meant there was always support... back up... strength... love... romance... conversation... debate... drama... comedy... music... politics and that underlying feeling of importance.  WE mattered... our existence was real... Death tore the foundation of who WE were and shook up my understanding of who I am.  Alone, unfettered by constraints of obligation to another I slipped into anonymity...  I grappled with why I was doomed to oneness again after 21 years of together.... of belonging.  Grieving for what was rather than accepting what is. 

 Life after death is tricky... succumbing to the acceptance of widowhood... a terrible club whose admittance is obligatory and damn cruel.  I've survived but the plurality of 2 hasn't.  Was it somehow my fault?  Did I push too hard?  Did I push him away?  Reality is just that.  I am alone again.  Acceptance is tough but necessary... after all there's no going back.  Welcome to the abyss...

Here I am.... deciding what direction to go in.... writing may help the transition... Who knows?  Can't hurt!