Today is January 4th, 2015

4 months, 16 days since T left this earthly plane...  Sometimes I feel his loss so deeply; it's hard to think....tears overflow.... then a glimpse of hope sneaks through after so many years of struggle... Hope was the biggest victim in T's passing.  We had so much hope as we fought through every phase of disease for renewal of a normal life... walking the beach with Riley, sharing food with friends, hearing music, traveling to new places.... Stanford days no more... It's hard to have faith when there's a vacuum of hope...

 It is the beginning of a new year with lots of decisions to be made.  Sell or keep the rentals?  Become an active Realtor again?  Play with clay?  Piano lessons? Preserve or sell T's blue bomber? Clear out all the stuff in the back room?  Attack the garage?  What to do with T's tools? Redo my office into a bedroom and move my stuff into T's lair?  Complete the suite downstairs?  Write? Read or watch movies?  Sit & cry cause T's not here to consult?

Marilyn took me to a matinee of "Wild" yesterday.. gave me pause... must read.  Cheryl Strayed suffered a loss so profound it literally pushed her off an edge...and yet she found her way by doing the extraordinary and finding herself again... I am so grateful for my friends and family....as I try to trust myself again.  I had lost all hope; hence my trust in my decisions faltered.  I need to truly accept that we did the best we could....  come back to 'being me' again.  I keep thinking "if today were my last day;  how would I spend it?"

The rentals are all consuming... Ruben is a huge help... do I trust myself enough to make a reasoned decision to rent again or sell?  Spent over an hour in Home Depot searching for ceiling light fixtures, light bulbs, decorative hinges for the window seats, odd sized 13" x 23" medicine cabinet, smoke detectors.  Need to make the sell or rent decision before I pick the carpeting or do I?   Trust that Ruben's friend can fix the wall heater?  or replace it?   All the while, I just want to run or curl up and escape...

Seniors grief support group starts in 2 weeks... seeing how others cope will help... My 1 on 1 grief sessions ceased on NYE.  My counselor was helpful; said it was an honor to have worked with me as we closed out.  As I walked to the parking lot;  I glimpsed the old /new me.... as 2014 was eclipsed by 2015....