Hallelujah!! I've had a breakthrough... Finally hit me....realized on my way over the hill yesterday as I clicked into the beauty of the coast and our surroundings perhaps for the first time in months.... I've been living in fear since T relapsed... that's a long time to reside in feelings that are so antithetical to who I am... I've adapted to hiding... sometimes in plain sight... I marshaled the forces when absolutely necessary but curled into a little ball and reacted only when absolutely necessary. I've always been the daredevil...pushing the limits and yet the enormity of actually losing T ground my spirit to a screeching halt.... Fear is a terribly lonely space...intimidating... haven't lost a whole lot of battles in my lifetime but this was one that meant too much to me to lose and yet... he's gone.
I miss my T.... his physical presence that 6'4" teddy bear, that voice that enveloped me, his huge arms engulfing me on his lap and being totally embraced, immersed in his being. The discussions where we took opposite sides and agreed to disagree. We had many ups and downs in 21 years but I never lost sight of the fact that we loved each other and we'd always fight for each other.... I never expected to lose... the shock of the loss of such an important battle and the aftermath can wreak havoc... Guess what? it did.
I'm taking baby steps back into life... I know yesterday getting a new hair cut; venturing into Macy's to buy a bra and having chinese food in a restaurant with best friends, Jayne & Carla... not huge but for me, significant.... T is my sidekick... edging me on....
Witnessed T's love of the marine life right here at home this week... unbelievable!!! These pics taken with my iPhone 5s.. not great but you get it...
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Riley prancing
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| Surfers watching a whale breach ahhhh |
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| Once more |
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