Today is Tuesday, May 31st

Missed my office meeting this morning so I could take T to Dr. Wu's office for labs.  They were wonderful and when we found out T needed blood, we went right over to Dominican.  They did their best to accommodate my honey.  I left and ran errands... most of the stuff I'd been unable to take care of for several weeks.  T was ready to leave at 5:15 and we wound our way home where I made risotto with scallops, yellow bell pepper and olives.

Extended my listing at 207 Toledo for one more month... Yahoo!!

I'm ready for a shower and bed...

Today is Memorial Day, Monday, May 30th

I realize that my self-imposed guilt over just taking the weekend off is STUPID!!!  I needed the time to relax and recharge and not get into my car and drive anywhere.  As a friend said, I'm never completely off because a Realtor always answers the phone.  Speaking of which, 3 different buyers raised their interest this weekend but it doesn't look like any of them are going to match the sellers' expectations.  We'll see how that works out...

I'm happy to say I stuck around the house and I just started going through email.  Phew! I get a lot of email... time to unsubscribe and probably to get another spam filter.  Riley just came over to rouse me... it's time for dinner I guess....

Let's all say a prayer in remembrance of all those soldiers' sacrifices so that we could be here now...  Happy Memorial Day!!!

Today is Friday, May 27th

Just got home from Stanford and put our dinner in the oven.  T says he'll eat and I'm ready to celebrate!  T has passed several milestones.  He walked into the Radiology Center in So. Palo Alto and the Cancer Center at Stanford today without the aid of a wheelchair!!! Holy Shit!!!  I was amazed!  This after I thought we'd have to cancel all apts today cause I overdosed him on laxatives...ai yi yi!!!  Thank God he got thru it all and we finally saw Bruno.  Now it's up to Dr. Wu whether he'll administer the next phase of this hellatious protocol BUT that next intravenous chemo doesn't start for 7 weeks!!!!  I feel like a huge weight has lifted at least for the time being... T has 2 types of chemo to ingest over the next month- 5 weeks and he sees Bruno again at the end of June and then.... and then...  we get a 3 week break!!!!!!!  No chemo for the entire 3 weeks!!!!  T gets to rest and as Bruno said "EAT & build up your strength!!!"   The one main prescription for the next 2 months is rest, recharge and eat!!!   Bruno also said "you need a break from us and we need a break from you"... I guess I got through....

I think I just got my 'mo' back....  I've been wearing Mom's ring and she's gotten me through the last few weeks and we're turning this ship around...  The anniversary of Mom's passing was yesterday.  I can't believe she's been gone 15 years...

Hayley graduated!  Beginnings and endings...that's life!

Thought I had a deal on 207 Toledo Dr. but the buyers & the sellers are too far apart... oh well... I think I'm gonna take it easy this weekend...  LOVE  to all!!!

Today is Wednesday, May 25th

For someone who believes in seizing the day... I've been blowing it lately.  I've been hibernating off and on... tending to T and not wanting to engage...I think I'll get over it but in the meantime it's all that I can handle.  Phone conversations are even a test for me.  I realize I have to get over the emotional hurdles I've been putting myself through and get back to normal but I really don't know what that looks like yet.  Today a Medical Social Worker came by.  I thought it was overkill.... we went from no help to a list of possibilities overnight.  What happened?  Did they think I was going postal?  Am I paranoid?  Who cares?  Anyway, the visit was fruitful.  I was able to vent.  Unfortunately, she can't be the bridge between the 2 facilities but she listened and for the first time a DNR was fully explained to us.  Neither T nor I realized what that really meant.  A DNR means that if one stops breathing or is having issues of any kind; there will be no steps taken to try to resuscitate, CPR or even a call to 911.  I thought it meant that no extraordinary measures would be taken like a respirator or machines.  I didn't think it meant every measure to try and revive one, like paddles to the chest etc.  I don't accept that for myself or T.  I would want every possible measure taken to try and revive my love.  He or I wouldn't want to be put on a respirator forever.  We're in agreement on that.  But that's it.  After all we've been through,  you bet I want to try and revive him!

Life never ceases to amaze me.  We saw Nicole Kidman's "Rabbit Hole"  tonight.  Pretty dark and left me in a hopeful mood about where I am right now.  Interesting how we're led down certain paths.  After watching Oprah's last 3 shows this week, I recognize yet again that I own my path.... I just don't know where I'm going... Soul Searching 101 seems to be the lesson of the day.  Let's see ... my life evolves in 7 year cycles.   Is it time?

My entrepreneurial spirit keeps surfacing... the dilemma navigating the treatment regimen with the mechanics of making the scheduling etc. work for us and getting help to understand the miasma;  reminds me of the difference between a mac & a pc.  Apple put a lot of time & energy into the user interface so that you or I wouldn't have to put a lot of effort into making a computer work.  We wouldn't have to worry about where a document was- C drive? or how to email or print.  It was all intuitive.  You could get to the heart of the job you had to do rather than having to figure out how to do it first.  Elegant & easy...   how to solve the situation we're in?  I know we're not lone ponies.   Does it yearn for a solution?  Could I?  Should I?

Today is Tuesday, May 24th

I had a meltdown today.  Tom drove T to Dr. Wu's office for labs, PICC dressing change & Methotrexate (chemo) by mouth for the 36th day of this protocol.  It must be me... I sent an email to Stanford but apparently,  I screwed up.  I didn't give enough time maybe?  We've been trying to switch over to Santa Cruz for awhile but T kept being admitted.  I didn't think I needed to remind Stanford or give a lot of notice to Dr. Wu's office, since that's what an oncology office does... treat patients and what does that consist of?  chemo.... So, when T called me to let me know that they didn't have the chemo for him;  I was in Lorraine's car en route to see some new Bailey listings.  It was the first time I'd been to an office meeting in 3 weeks.  I knew it was too good to be true...  I'll be honest.  I was pissed.  I had thought twice about not going to the meeting and just staying in bed.  I pushed myself to go (kept hearing Mom encouraging me).  Poor T was lost.  So, I immediately called Janell at Stanford.  She wasn't due in yet so, they paged her sub. It took 2 calls but I spoke with Stacy.  She said she'd speak with Bruno and get the orders down to Dr. Wu's office.  I called Kelly next at Dr. Wu's and basically unloaded.  She didn't deserve it and I apologized for killing the messenger but I let go when I heard that this was the practice with Stanford.  I was on the verge of tears & losing it.  So, Kelly came to the rescue.  She called me back awhile later and said that the good news was that T didn't need blood or platelets!!!!  Yahoo!  Also, she had spoken with Janell and was working out getting the chemo.  I debated about what I was up for and headed home.  While I was catching up on the bills,  Janell emailed that the chemo- MTX - was called into CVS.  So, I watched Oprah's 2nd to last show and then, ran to CVS for the MTX.
Called and emailed Stanford because I didn't understand how to administer it, even though the label said take 16 tabs weekly.  Clarification:  16 tabs all at once weekly every Tues. for 5 weeks.  Looks like a squeaky wheel once again gets what T needs... I just hope it doesn't screw up our relationships....

Today is Monday, May 23rd

Since yesterday entailed hours of waiting at Stanford for T's platelets to be "packed"; we were spent when we arrived home about 5PM.  Reaffirmed the decision we've made to try and get all treatments done in Santa Cruz.  Unfortunately, we never seem to catch up...

I had a hard time getting out of bed today... told T it was a day of rest & recuperation.  Caught up on the newspapers, fed T, Kelly, the visiting nurse checked T's vitals and T & I watched "Black Swan"...what a movie!  Natalie Portman was amazing in a very dark flick... not recommended for the faint of heart.

Missed book club tonight... "Game Change"... I'll finish it soon...

I'm hoping I get a burst of energy in the morning....

Today is Sunday, May 22nd

We're back at Stanford for labs and waiting to see if T needs an infusion... T needs platelets and not blood.  Interesting!!!

 So, inquiring minds want to know... what about the pie????

After a vigorous open house at 207 Toledo, I collected my signs and went home to my T... He'd already had a protein smoothie, scrambled eggs for lunch and an afternoon snack of a bolgna sandwich... YAHOO!!!  My honey didn't want dinner but was ready for another protein smoothie.  So, Jim & Linda had invited me over for some salmon and I was ready to relax... T was comfortable and sated and I looked forward to some relaxation so, I packed up my infamous pie (picture above) & whipped cream and went to Tuscany.  I had a martini ( Linda's special concoction is sooo good!!! She uses mango lemonade & limonata & vodka) and relaxed outside in the sun...  kept checking on T while our dinner grilled and then, after a delicious shared dinner, the Caminata's joined us for dessert as pictured above... ok so, the crust wasn't exactly flakey but the strawberry rhubarb was pretty darn good as everyone ate their pieces with accompanying ooo's and ah's....

Don't know if I'll attempt another one... I do know Tracy is a great pie maker and I'm looking forward to when he can make a pie again.

I feel like we've turned a corner...I don't want to jinx this process but we've made some major decisions with a lot of support.  As Mark, the Physical Therapist, pointed out I looked worn out from our continual treks to Stanford,  whaddayathink Tracy was feeling like?  I picked up the phone and called Kelly at Dr. Wu's office and arranged for Tom to take T to Santa Cruz vs Stanford on Tues.  If he needs blood, he'll go across the street to Dominican.  Yahoo!!!!  From here on out;  we'll go to Stanford to see Bruno but not for anything else...we hope.  Fingers crossed and it makes typing almost impossible.  BUT that will help T and I ease back into reality and sanity...

The new sleeping aid didn't work for T so, I'll also call Bill tomorrow re an alternate med. Someone from Stanford had called on Fri. morning while I was out and said T needed a cat scan.  Unfortunately, T didn't get all 7 digits so, & never heard back from Janell either.   Tomorrow we'll try again to get that set up & hopefully, we can do that in Santa Cruz too.

Something else happened on Thurs which was so amazing!!!  We were driving on W.Cliff and I was staring at the ocean and all of a sudden I saw a plume spray pretty high out of the water... I screamed to stop the car and Marilyn did a U turn and parked and we witnessed a mama whale and her calf gliding by...  Stopping to enjoy the wonderland we live in makes me truly thankful to be alive and living here on the central coast!!!

Carpe diem one and all!!!

Today is Friday, May 20th

We are evolving...  Tracy went to Stanford yesterday with John and it was a long day for them since T needed blood and some how his typed blood wasn't available immediately...  Thank God for friends!  I went on broker's tour and put SOLD signs up at 605 Laguna since it closed yesterday!!!!  Yahoo!!   I was burned to a crisp so I went home to rest until T & John arrived.... reminiscing about days gone by as John drank full octane brewed coffee and T drank protein drinks.  T seemed exhausted and needed his bed so, we retired early.

This morning was a full tilt Santa Cruz County Assoc. of Realtors Board meeting where we were filled in on our Realtor fight to maintain our market on the state and federal levels as our membership keeps dropping.  Very interesting and frustrating because it seems our business is being negatively impacted by the banks in so many ways.  They want to only lend to buyers with very low debt to income ratios and with a full 20% down and also restrict conforming loan maximums to $625,000.   The home mortgage deduction is also being attacked and the maximum deduction may be reduced to $500,000 which will also negatively impact the real estate industry.  The middle class is being squeezed yet again.

While I was at my meeting, Mike Ditrich came by and installed a grab bar in the water closet for T and turned our mattress... what would we do without our friends?!!!

I left the Assoc. after trading in a malfunctioning lockbox and ran to Nob Hill.  I'd had a dream last night where Mom told me I should make a strawberry rhubarb pie so, when I saw those gorgeous strawberries and rhubarb & couldn't resist.  Couldn't get an internet connection in the store so, I called the office and asked Kristin to look up a recipe since I had no idea what I was doing & had never made one before...   Got snapple and a few other temptations for my honey and ran to the office and the bank and then, home to make lunch for T.  Mark, the Physical Therapist, arrived shortly afterwards and it's obvious he'll help T use those gorgeous legs again.  He was very patient with T and watched and listened.  He'll help T transition back to full mobility.  A little while later, the Palliative Care & Support team, Dr. Bill Morris and Marg arrived.  They did a work up, checked T's list of meds and checked his vitals.  We talked for awhile and at last, I feel as tho' there is help out there.  Ideally, this team would meet with a patient & caregiver when the diagnosis is made initially but we'll take it now and be thankful.  Finally, T took a nap and I started preparing the ingredients for the pie.  That's when I realized that I didn't have enough rhubarb... off to Deluxe where I ran into Marilyn & a cancer survivor. who mentioned a book that might be helpful.  Upon getting out of my car at home, I heard a loud whistle and realized it was martini time in Tuscany... I caught up with Jim & Linda and then, Pamela & Tom and finally, went home to make my pie.  Man, I'm not a pie crust maker!  I screwed it up royally and T jumped in to try & rescue me but I can tell that this pie is going to be a disaster.  We'll see tomorrow when we venture a bite.... the best part of my pie debacle is Tracy pitched in... he was present and in the moment!  Yahoo!!! Who gives a damn about the pie????!!!!!

Today is Wednesday, May 18th

Spinning through the last few days as Tracy evolves...  Yesterday was a very long day at Stanford as T had his 5th & last LP laced with chemo and several units of platelets and one unit of blood.  The first time in awhile that I'd actually come prepared with T's favorite things (iPod & speaker etc) and a bag with a change of clothes & meds etc for me and we didn't need them!  Met with the social worker, Anne and a nutritionist & finally feel like someone is listening and cares.  Arranged 2 rides to Stanford- Thurs w/ John;  Tues. w/Tom.  We arrived home over 10 hours later, had a protein smoothie, showered and watched most of the superb season finales of NCIS & The Good Wife; while I decompressed.

This morning I arranged an apt. by a Visiting Nurse, who came by and assessed T & will continue to come by once a week for awhile to take T's vitals and check on him.  She even helped me make the bed altho' it's not in her purview, bless her.  I also arranged for Palliative Care to come by on Fri. and Mark, the Physical Therapist.  Oh boy!!!

I am so excited. T is present.  He's determined and he's walking.  He's eating - a couple scrambled eggs this morning, protein smoothie for lunch,  peanut butter this afternoon and a little seafood manicotti this evening.
When I went to the office to do some escrow work,  T was gonna take a nap and I wasn't scared to leave for the first time in several weeks.  We did our final walk through on 605 Laguna St.  and finally, I can relax.  It's done and I'm content.  Thank you all for your loving support.  I've been wearing Mom's ring set to feel her strength and courage permeate me... it's working!

Today is Monday, May 16th

Ai yi yi!!!  I wrote an email today to Janell at Stanford and Kelly at Dr. Wu's office.  Kelly called me back and offered to have Home health people call me (haven't heard from them yet).  Debra called and listened while I ranted about being out here in the cold without anyone to talk to about T's present condition and what to expect or any help.  She offered that there is a lot of information and help available and since she's just been diagnosed;  she now sees it from a unique angle.  She says she will have Rhonda bring paperwork to me tomorrow while T is getting his LP and have the social worker drop by too.  One thing that she suggested that makes sense is physical therapy to enable T to get back to using his body.

Apparently, it takes being a squeaky wheel yet again to get someone to do something.  And now for the interesting part:  Tracy finally ate scrambled eggs for lunch while sitting in bed and then, slept most of the afternoon.   Then he got out of bed and actually ate half of a chicken pot pie for dinner.  He's now talking to his sister on the phone....  The twists and turns of this drama are making me nuts but I'll live with it as long as he does....

Sunday, Post 3

 I arrived at Stanford at 8PM only to be told by Angela, T's night nurse that he'd been ready since 6PM.   No one seems to know who Albert, the charge nurse, is who called me twice to be sure that I didn't come before 8 to pick T up.  The doctor never called me and it took 2 Tylenols to calm me down enough to eat something before I made the trip to pick T up.  Somebody's going have some 'splainin to do tomorrow.  I realize that I'm too logical at times but this whole episode has my teeth on edge.  I need to get some answers tomorrow and some help.  I don't know what I'd do without the ability to blog about my feelings.... hope I won't have to find out.  My priorities are clear and writing about it makes it real.

T greeted me with a kiss. and he was ready to go.  I dressed him, called  transport and retrieved the car.  ready to roll, once more.  T and I work well together,  Once home, we showered, T had his meds and woohoo!  I ended up giving him his Neupogen shot... didn't want to,,, my fear of hurting him was overcome by necessity.  He's exhausted and I've just fallen asleep on the keyboard twice.....  carpe diem!

Sunday, Post 2

I should be able to take it easy for one day BUT NO!!!  I heard from Tracy they were discharging him and he'd be ready at 6PM.  I was ready to leave and decided to call the nurse's station.  They informed me that the blood bank was late and that he'd not be ready until 8PM.  I asked why discharge him so late at night, when it's takes an hour each way to get him home.  The answer is insurance won't cover having him stay another night.   I'm so frustrated I could scream.  I've called back twice now and T has been given 2 units of blood and 2 units of platelets today.  I've tried paging the doctor.  I'm beside myself.  I know Tracy wants to come home but this is killing me.  This will be another sleepless night because T can't function on his own.  This is not logical!!!! I'm sure my blood pressure is through the roof.   I can't keep this up.  Tuesday, he's due back at Stanford for his last lumbar puncture.  I know he'll need blood & platelets & that will mean another very long day at Stanford.  Chances are good that he'll be admitted again and/or we'll have to return on Wed.  I know the drill... I just don't like the story anymore.   Tomorrow I definitely will speak to someone who can help... it's time for hospice transitions.

Today is Sunday, May 15th

It's been another interesting day on the central coast.  It's been sprinkling and now, the sun has come out.  I've been trying to restore my connectivity all morning.  Finally had to restart the router.  We'd had a power failure during the night.  I awoke to the stereo and TV blasting from the other rooms... wonder why that happens?  So, probably the DSL genie escaped his bottle and scuttled our connections.. I was about to call on Allen for help when T suggested restarting the router.  It worked!  Obviously, cause here I am blogging...  I have enlisted Jayne's help to get T some music.  I'm pretty tired and need some down time.  I gave my open house on Toledo to Vicki and I'm still in my nightshirt.  Riley & I went out this morning and he graced me with 1 bag and then, a little later, Allen took him for a walk....in between the rain clouds....

T was admitted to Stanford yesterday.  His counts were so critically low, they were refusing to administer blood in the cancer center.  With a little convincing, they treated him to 1 unit of blood while still in the ITA and T's color came back.  So, while searching for a room, they continued giving our T blood.  He'd need at least 3 units of blood.  I asked the nagging kind of stupid question, "where does his blood go?"   During consolidation, T is being bombarded with chemo and tho' he's in remission, his bone marrow is incapable of producing blood.  T's being given more blood and platelets today.  No doctor call this morning... they're keeping a low profile...I'm going to do some escrow work and read and rest.  Tomorrow is another day of action.

I'm happy to say that the SAM-e is working.  BS finally filled a prescription for Paxil generic instead of Lexipro on Wed. but something kept me from wanting to ingest a drug that would take 4 weeks to start working.  Vicki and a nurse had said they'd had great success with SAM-e. Vicki actually drove me to Costco to buy some, along with dog food, wine and greek yogurt... the necessities.  I've taken one a day and already seen a difference.  I would have been hysterical yesterday at the turn of events, since T has been admitted 3 times in the last week.  Instead, Carla came to the cancer center and kept me company as we rolled with the never ending punches.... I was so tired that I scrunched down on a couch in the hallway for a break and in that short time... they spirited T to a room.  I tucked him in, spoke to the nurse re his meds etc. and finally left.  I barely made it home with the window and sun roof open and the wind whipping my face.  I understand how at 4PM in an afternoon, someone can doze off behind the wheel.  I slept a full night last night and man, did I need it.  Missed the James Durbin celebration at the boardwalk but hey, hopefully it won't be the last we've heard from the local boy that made good...

Carpe diem!

Today is Friday the 13th of May

An interesting last few days of trying to blog and keeping what's already been posted... Apparently, there was a Google problem where everyone lost their last few blogs.  Starts the conversation in my head about trusting a cloud storage system which is where this blog is on Google.  I'm wondering if any of my followers has the time or the energy to download all of my blogs to a disc or something?  I'm thinking that this could be a book someday and I'm really afraid I'm going to lose all the writing... the Fight to Live?  I don't know... not writing with that intent... blogging just allows me to pour out my real unedited feelings without any recourse in whatever free time I have in any given day.  We'll see...

Friday the 13th is one of my favorite lucky days!  It shined on us today.  T consumed 2 protein drinks and then, I went and picked up vegetable chow mein and T ate a little with some sweet tea tonight.  Yahoo!  Thank God for that!  T was just under 200 lbs. when he weighed himself before we showered.  The doctors have said he can survive with multiple protein drinks but as an Italian, I just can't live with that.  He needs food with nutrition!!!  One of the biggest problems is his mouth is still pretty raw from the radiation.  It is healing but it seems ever so slowly.  It's very hard for him to swallow anything that isn't soft.  Oh well, this too shall pass.

Tomorrow is the Relay for Life walk in Santa Clara.  Roddy's Drumming out Cancer team will be doing their thing.  We've made our donation but I really wanted to be there for Roddy and T.  Please think about it http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=31931&team_id=894184.    T & I will be at Stanford tomorrow for labs and probably blood & platelets...   that means another long day at the farm...


The death of a dear old friend, Lula Goolsby, has brought an Apple team retired 25 yrs. back in touch.  She was a sweetheart with so much soul!!!  One of my fondest remembrances of Lula was our first meeting in DC for her initial screening of me for Apple.  There was instant camaraderie as only Lula could engender.  She was warm, thought provoking, intelligent, funny with an acerbic wit that never quit and oh so human. We had a friendship for many years until we allowed circumstances to get in the way.. The one lesson for all of us by losing this kindred spirit, is that we need to live every day as tho' it were our last.  Love to all of you...

Today is Wednesday, May 11th

Yesterday seemed like a dream... Tracy was silent except for the protest... his eyes said it all.  Unit after unit of blood and platelets as T lay motionless on the bed for hours.  His eyes closed and then, he slept.  I took a walk and got some cream of broccoli soup and returned to a snoring T.  T's hair is just about gone.  Some stragglers are hanging on but he's wearing his green beret (the one I made) to keep his head warm.  He chose his clothes for comfort today... it's so hard for him to get comfortable.  The good news is he's up to 212 lbs.  The bad: fluctuating temp.  So, at last, T was resting.  The infusions do that.  I turned on my iPod and put on head phones and started reading.  I was humming and singing when I knew the tune.  I suddenly realized T was awake and listening.  I asked if I could do anything for him, get him anything... he said just keep singing.... consciously picking songs that are meaningful to us... I tried, in between my tears... I've never been able to get through those songs that have deep emotional resonance for me without tears... just ask any of the couples whom I sang for at their weddings...guess I'm just not a performer.  The words always tear me up because I feel their meaning... loved James Durbin, American Idol's emotionality last week!

So, I played disc jockey and sang some and we got through the day and early evening.  T was transported to the ground E unit and reluctantly acquiesced.  I finally left about 7:30, had to rescue my car from the valet lot with security's help.  I spoke with him twice last evening and twice this morning.  I will pick him up at 2:00 today.  My car knows the way to Stanford.   Send strength and white light to surround us.... many more days to come.

Today is Tuesday, May 10th

Happy 42nd Anniversary John & Shar!!!

We're still at Stanford... fought the traffic - 2 dead stops on 17 and when we arrived, T needed platelets and blood... 2 units of each and I held him steady while the lumbar puncture was done... kept my eyes anywhere but on the procedure.  T's temp kept fluctuating and then, the unwanted news:  Admittance.  T either had a reaction to the blood product or is still fighting an infection.  T challenged the decree but we can't argue with reason.  "Better safe than sorry"  T is situationally depressed.  Who wouldn't be?  He's in remission but what is this life?  Rhonda, the LP administrator, an attending and his great nurse, Jeff, all did their dance trying to convince T to accept the inevitable.  The verdict remains:  he'll be admitted... At least he'll be in the leukemia unit rather than anywhere else.  Maybe Courtney will be on duty?  One can only hope.

Today is Monday, May 9th

OMG:  What a difference a day makes!  T sounded better this morning altho' worried that he wouldn't be coming home.  An intern had told him he wasn't going to be discharged and then, the attending came in and told him the opposite.  I spoke with the attending and he said that the decision had been made to release our T.  His medications were altered to eliminate the chemo so, that hopefully, after the multiple platelet infusions over the last few days, his numbers will ultimately rise....they have to... T was so ready to come home... his iPod helped a lot cause music is his salvation...  I saw Cathy Sy and she soothed my body and my cranium... My fingers were tingling as my circulation returned... had to sit in my car, drink lots of water and gather my wits before I drove the hill... to rescue my prince... T's hair is almost gone but his spirit is strong!!!

Lumbar puncture tomorrow so, one more long day at Stanford... send T all the strength and white light you can... we need it!!!

Today is Mother's Day, May 8th

I've been leaning on friend's shoulders, talking and crying through my fears.... T & I spoke several times before I left this morning.  T & I both had cried to each other last night.  It's the first time T has cried out of frustration.  I'm scared.  I needed to see my love and yet I was dreading going to Stanford.  I wanted to make him laugh, see him smile tho' I didm't feel much like it myself.   When I arrived T was there and not kind of there.  He's in a lot of pain tho' he says his mouth isn't still bleeding, it's swollen and he can't keep more than a few bites of food down..  His feet are swollen and his hair is falling out but other than that he's great.... the saving grace is that T says he's gonna beat this shit...  he's come too far to give up... I stayed awhile and we both fell asleep... when we woke we talked a bit... then,  I went home.  T insists he's coming home tomorrow and that he wants the LP on Tues.  Send us both strength....

The evening of Saturday, May 7th

I had a full day of work commitments today, including showing a home prior to my open house at 207 Toledo Dr.   I was so tired that I knew that I had better eat early or collapse without dinner.  Linda & Jim had asked me across the street to Tuscany and I'd subsequently turned down an invitation for dinner at Michael's on Main with Jan & Tom.  I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open... it was a very late evening last night after I stripped the bed and started the wash.  Needless to say, I was looking forward to talking to T.  I spoke with him when I came home and then again, after dinner.  T is not happy.  He was watching the Giants game and was hating being there.  He's so depressed and tired of all of this and I just wish his mouth would stop bleeding.  They were infusing him with more platelets when we spoke and I've never heard T sound lower.   I hope I did the right thing.  I just keep second guessing everything.  I'll see for myself in the morning.  God rest the child that's got his own....if I ever needed a song, I need one now... "At Last" keeps running through my mind... I'll bring T his iPod tomorrow and hopefully, I'll get him to smile.

Today is Saturday, May 7th

I left Stanford emergency at 10 PM.  They were trying to get T a room in the hospital.  I was spent and so was T.  He'd had a battery of tests including the first x-ray that had shown that one of his ribs hadn't healed as one piece.  Curious that after 3-4 years and many many x-rays... this should show up now.  The Dr. said it was probably never actually shot before because it's so low on his torso and T has a very long torso.  Anyway, T wondered if that's why he has had such a hard time getting comfortable?  Who knows?  so, T's platelets were so low they were going to set him up for another infusion.  No one liked the idea that his mouth was bloody and one more thing ... cause T loves the complicated...yesterday morning,  his shingles showed up as always, as an eruption above his left eyebrow,  not that he's stressed... I remember that T had a bruise ( we thought that's what it was) above his left eyebrow on our wedding day.  Toni put makeup on it.  At the time, no one had a clue it was shingles.... or that he might have been stressed?

Anyway, it wasn't hard to convince anyone that T needed to be admitted.  He was soo weak and altho' no longer running a temp;  his counts were negligible and there were white cells in his urine, indicating an infection.  I gave his history showed them his drug card (thanks to Toni)  and made them aware that he would be due for a Neupogen shot today.  Meanwhile a handyman put a sign on T's door that it was automatically slamming and to take care; as we flinched every time someone inadvertently let it slip...

So, I finally left T to their care after I bundled him up in his private room in emergency... the beds were all full including several beds in the aisle.   I had to avert my squeamish eyes from the injuries... I could not be a doctor...  my head was throbbing once again... would you believe I ended up calling Deanna to ask her to bring me a Tylenol?  I could NOT get relief in the hospital and Walgreen's & the gift shop were closed.  She & Gary also brought a turkey/ provolone sandwich & treats... welcome respite...

I returned home, stripped the bed and tried to quiet my soul.... send him love and support... he needs all of us right now for strength...

I tracked him down this morning... he's in the cardiac ward with a double door.  He's pretty whipped but his spirit is willing....

Today is Friday, May 6th

It's about 5:45 on Friday afternoon and Tracy is being transfused.  We've been here all day.  He's received platelets and 2 units of blood and he's running a slight fever and his mouth is bleeding, my poor baby.  So, I took a walk over to Dr. Wu's office after the nurse suggested strongly that T needed care.  Dr. Wu says he should be at Stanford, where they're equipped to handle him.  So, as soon as his transfusion is complete; we'll be on our way to Stanford emergency to have him admitted.  I called and spoke with the on call doctor and he gave me a hard time so, Shannon, our nurse here called Dr. Wu at my request and I'm going to just drive him up.  As I said to the on call Dr. - I'm not trying to be difficult... I love him and he needs their care.  Basta!!!

Today is Wednesday, May 4th

It's amazing how much time and energy I spend thinking through real estate issues.  It's definitely not a career choice for the faint of heart.  Brian's counter still hasn't arrived.  Apparently the agent has more important things to do.  I spent a lot of time working on recounting all the work that transpired on my Short Sale listing.  I'm going to take another look at it tomorrow before it hits prime time.  I had major email problems today so, along with working through issues, I couldn't get online at all and thought I'd lost the work I'd already completed.  Computers were supposed to make life easier...all I know is I've become dependent on it and when the email goblin appears my life becomes a mess!

T has had a day of rest tho' everything takes a lot of effort for him.  He's exhausted just moving around in bed.  He did rally enough to play golf and bowl on the Wii with Toni.
They spent some time together on Toni's last day here in Ca.  It was a good visit and Toni helped a lot.  God speed...

Today is Tuesday, May 3rd

I give myself permission to write or not.  My life is very full and I'm peddling as fast as I can.

Today I finally made it to my sales meeting... and caught up w/ my Realtor buddies.  Delivered a document to the Housing Authority and spoke with a tenant.  Finally got in touch with the Intero office for Brian's deal and was expecting a counter... but so far it's a no show.  There's always tomorrow... today was definitely a 'me' day... I drove back from the Housing Authority along W. Cliff Drive basking in the beauty of our coast... I'd been close to tears and I needed to feel the reinforcement of the reason we're here... it's amazing how sometimes fate or kizmet or whatever makes things fall into place in just the right order.  My body & mind were needing adjustment and luckily, I had an apt. with Cathy Sy and then, treated myself to a pedicure (first one in about 8 months) before my apt. with my GP for some medicinal attitude adjustment help.  Suzy prescribed a couple meds for me...   help to even out these emotions that are bubbling so close to the surface... not make me a zombie just help me deal with the crush I feel every time a new twist or turn overtakes me ... help to deal without feeling like I'm under attack...  of course Blue Shield needs special authorization so, hopefully, the help is just a day or so away.  Thankfully, Jan called and reminded me that WomenCare had their Cancer support group meeting this evening.  A chance to air what I'm feeling in a safe place without strings or endangering relationships by delving into the depths of my emotions... I'm blessed to have had this day.

All the while T was enduring a very long day at Stanford of blood and platelet infusions along with his chemo laced lumbar puncture.  He & Toni arrived home a few minutes before I did this evening.  Tracy seemed aware and stronger and wanting to talk.  He gave himself a Neupogen shot as they explained that he's very neutropenic again.  We need to get labs every other day and hopefully, Dr. Wu's office will accommodate.  After Toni explained the what & how;  T came behind me and put his arms around me and hugged me... OMG!  T's coming back....  tomorrow is another day...

Today is Sunday, May 1st

I am so thankful that I was able to hold an open house today at my listing in Rio Del Mar.  It's a gorgeous day on the coast and it feels good to meet people and hopefully, sell the home.  Tracy is in the best hands:  his big sis, Toni is watching over him.  T has developed some sores in the back of his mouth and throat which make it very difficult for him to swallow as a direct result of the radiation.  It is a normal side effect but troubling for our boy so, I called Stanford last night and this morning and Toni was going to pick up the mouth rinses etc at CVS today to fix our boy's dilemma.  Chemistry is our friend.

Sorry about not keeping up with my blog... it's been an interesting last few days.  I'm realizing that I'm going to have to start taking time for myself.  I need to stay healthy & sane in order to be able to care for T full time and work.  I was able to take an evening with Carla & Jayne and see Rowena Fri. evening at Jayne's.  She shared some tips and tidbits about Roddy's fight against the big C and it was very insightful.  I realize I don't have to do this alone...

I don't know what I would have done without Toni's help over the last 2 weeks.  I'm very thankful that I didn't have to try.  She has made it possible for me to rest a bit and not have to drive every day to Stanford for this third phase of T's treatment.  T has one last day of cranial radiation tomorrow and an LP on Tues., quite possibly with blood infusions.  Then, we have a free day on Wed before Toni returns to her life in Santee, S.Carolina on Thurs.  I can't even express how thankful we are to have had her here...  I was just about out of gas when Toni arrived.  I must say that it's been tough to admit that I was at the end of my rope... 7 months of this has taken it's toll... I was totally spent & exhausted... gonna have to take more breaks and sleep downstairs some so, I can keep up with what's next in store for T.  The good news is except for the next 3 Tues. LP's and a Bruno apt on the 13th, T's treatment should be available at Dr. Wu's office in Santa Cruz....Yahoo!!!

Thanks for the love, white light and support.... we feel it....