I just awoke to an overwhelming fear of loss. We had a "come to Jesus" meeting with Dr. Wu and Kellye today. I feel like I'm the proverbial deer caught in headlights. I am stunned. All this while, I've felt as though Tracy was making a comeback and getting stronger every day. He IS stronger. He just can't seem to get his white cell count up and he needs blood and or platelets weekly. Dr. Wu, in his candid realistic way, said that we needed Stanford to captain the treatment. He could administer the next protocol but he believes Tracy has to be MUCH stronger and his counts have to be a lot higher. He strongly believes that Tracy needs to really question going on with the next protocol. T should have a couple months off to get back to himself and have a life before beginning another phase. As Dr Wu put it in his inimitable way, " if the goal is to have clear bone marrow and Tracy dies with clear bone marrow, then what was the point?" We believe T is in remission but not strong enough to manufacture his own blood. He needs to build back up as Dr. Wu said, "So you look your age again. After all, if you only have a little time left do you want to spend it doing chemo?" So, tomorrow or later today, we need to ask some very hard questions:
Is T stage 2 or stage 4?
Is this curable knowing what we now know after 8 months of treatment?
What is the point of the ongoing chemo?
What is the consequence of taking several months off away from treatment?
What would be the consequence of not continuing treatment at all?
Is this protocol going to kill him?
Can you convince us that there's a good reason to continue after a break?
Tracy will make the decision about his treatment but only after we have the facts. We need Bruno to captain the ship but we need some clear answers. Stanford is a university hospital and they never hear stop. I feel like everything comes down to this and I don't know if I can handle the truth. I fought back tears and grabbed Tracy's hand as Dr. Wu unfolded this unexpected tale. He & Bruno have butted their heads over the Dapsone episode. Bruno wanting to abandon ship & Dr. Wu admitting that he's not a Hematologist & needs Bruno to captain that ship. I hope we can resolve all this today. After all, we learned Bruno just got married. He should be in marital bliss right now... what's a little hiccup along the way....
Send us your strength and courage to face the truth whatever that may be....