Today is Monday, April 18th

Today is the 2010 Federal Tax deadline!!!  Hope y'all remembered!

I awoke with a start around 3AM... I'll pay for this tomorrow or is that today?  I had terrible 'accida' sp? that would be Italian acid reflux... I had to take something to stop it... I began to answer email... it's like somebody was shaking me awake to deal with disgruntled clients...then, the underlying elephant in the room appeared.. It's hard to talk about let alone think about the alternative to T's treatment.  The enormity of what he faces each and every day ... I try to ignore it or just not think about it and in the middle of the night it overtakes me... why him doesn't even touch it...  he's trying so hard to keep an even keel.  I'm seeing a repeat of the reaction to the chemo about a week after each phase.  The inability to keep food in his system and the depression and yes, some anger.

The courage it takes to face and accept his treatment and keep on going is astounding. One foot in front of the other.  Hope and faith.  We are talking about when he comes out of the treatment and giving shape to life after this protocol... that's the only way out, the only way to accept this hand that he's been dealt.  He speaks of returning to normalcy... just the other side of that door.

I had planned to do a lot of errands on Monday... Costco run, meds etc.  I just couldn't leave him.  There's plenty of time for that.  I needed to be with him and yet, he travels this path alone.   Each day I try to be in the moment with him but I'm a lot better at living in denial.... I keep hearing a line from one of Mom's favorite poems  " It isn't whether you win or you fail, be the best of whatever you are".  I just hope it's good enough.  I'd hate to look back and think I could have done better.  Of course we don't ever know while we're in the thick of it.