It's almost Tuesday, April 5th

My heart is breaking...the love of my life is struggling to maintain and I keep trying to work so that we can continue our lives and yet nothing means anything...  I realize I spend the time trying not to really be in the moment when we're at the hospital...it's frightening and awesome and mind boggling and Tracy just accepts and goes on.  I observe so many people in so many different phases of treatment. I'm terrified of T's next phase... terrified that somehow it will alter my T... that he will become someone else, a muted version of the original...and yet I will accept that too so long as he is... I've stopped wearing eye makeup because I cry at the slightest thought of T and his pain.  He accepts wordlessly and keeps moving... not complaining... he's taken to continually moving from chair to chair ,,, room to room.  He says he can't get comfortable anywhere but in his bed. ...and I believe that he's so bony it's tough for him to get cozy.... I found a song he wrote the other day I believe while he was getting treatment,,, it's about facing the specter of death...  it's gorgeous and so full of truth.  Can't imagine the tune.  Still we go on...open each door and tread oh so carefully...