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Concerned Citizen and a Serial Entrepreneur wrapped in a progressive democratic soul longing for us all to get along.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

It's almost Tuesday, April 5th

My heart is breaking...the love of my life is struggling to maintain and I keep trying to work so that we can continue our lives and yet nothing means anything...  I realize I spend the time trying not to really be in the moment when we're at the hospital...it's frightening and awesome and mind boggling and Tracy just accepts and goes on.  I observe so many people in so many different phases of treatment. I'm terrified of T's next phase... terrified that somehow it will alter my T... that he will become someone else, a muted version of the original...and yet I will accept that too so long as he is... I've stopped wearing eye makeup because I cry at the slightest thought of T and his pain.  He accepts wordlessly and keeps moving... not complaining... he's taken to continually moving from chair to chair ,,, room to room.  He says he can't get comfortable anywhere but in his bed. ...and I believe that he's so bony it's tough for him to get cozy.... I found a song he wrote the other day I believe while he was getting treatment,,, it's about facing the specter of death...  it's gorgeous and so full of truth.  Can't imagine the tune.  Still we go on...open each door and tread oh so carefully...


  1. Hang in there Annie, I know the pace seems slow--
    Tracy's recovery may be much nearer, look back at how far you guys have come!!!
    Stay strong!!!

    Believing, trusting, waiting, hoping...praying for you guy's every day in our thoughts and in our hearts

    XXOO Di & Mike

  2. Annie,
    So beautifully written..... my heart sends you and T all my love as you both keep walking the path of this unwanted journey. You have been so amazing as you've battled back after each crisis. It's no wonder it's wearing you out, as well. Just picture all your friends surrounding you and carrying you for however long it takes until you feel supported and a bit stronger. Count me in that sacred circle.

    Much love,

  3. Anne Marie and Tracy. You two define courage to me; your willingness to acknowledge and stare down the fears, shed the tears and walk in the unknowingness....together, in grace. I am inspired.