Today is Sunday, September 28th

The last few days have been very hard... my clients are sometimes very needy and right now, that's very tough for me.... I've had a few melt downs over the last few days... actually questioned whether I wanted to be back yet but I know with T's leveling influence, I'll be ok.

I'm raw and needing a lot of space and patience.  Maybe one lesson will be how to establish real boundaries.  I know one thing for sure... I will survive.

We have our Relay for Life team:   please click on the link below

Race for Trace

I will update with photos and activities later on but here we go!!!

Love to you all!!!

Today is Thursday, September 25th

It rained last night and this morning!!!!  Thank you T!!!  The rain mingled with my tears as Riley and I walked on the beach and we missed our T even more.  T loved the rain and never let it stop him from taking a stroll....ahhhh

Fired up the blue bomber after our beach walk yesterday and Riley was soooo excited.. until we got to the vets office.  Of course, they know how to calm him... treats!  They couldn't believe he turned 14 and had so much energy... such a good boy as he was given all his shots.

Dr. Wu's office is next door so I stopped to see the folks there.  Dr. Wu came out, gave me a big hug and told me the only way he wanted to see me again was around town or selling real estate.  Chocolates will be shared with his wonderful crew... came home, changed clothes and went to work...

I have a new gorgeous Rio Del Mar listing that is a result of my Tracy's referral.  T took care of this home and client and had the patience of a saint because he truly cared for everyone...  I've asked continually for T to guide me as he did in life... he's still very much a part of me.... 3.5 hours later as I dropped the file at my office... shed a few tears and swapped some soul stories; realized once again just how grateful I am...

Thank God I'm not leaving my neighborhood any time soon... loving being home... home is truly where my heart and soul is... this is my new normal...

"You can prepare for death but you can't grieve in advance."  Rabbi Howard Jaffe

The time to grieve is now....

Today is Tuesday, September 23rd

The last few days have been soooo interesting... had T been alive we would have discussed it ad infinitem.... I'm up and down every day and most days several times each way...

the last few days have been hard getting to sleep...especially after I decided to unpack T's suitcases and the boxes that housed all our photos and stuff... oh the heartache... he's only in the photos... I miss him soooo much...

driving home today... thinking I was hungry and wondering what T would want.... but T's not home...

a dear friend suggested I move up the memorial so I could deal with the folks who know and knew T....  I've been ruminating... just don't know anything so far... except it's not happening really soon


Please bear with me... life is dealing with plan B... and getting back to life?

Today is Saturday, September 20th

Riley woke me at 3AM to go out and I stomped my feet on the landing before I let him out to scare off any creatures in the yard...especially skunks since Ry has been skunked sooo many times in years past and to avoid the new raccoon threat ... cause that's what T always did before he let Riley out at night... then I was awake and still am... read emails on my iPhone and then, continued to my blog.  Read every blog back to June... wishing T would come to me in a dream... he's visited T's big bro, Tery.  

The verdict is in...  Race for Trace with some kind of music note entwined and a pic of Riley & T together on the beach.  Maybe the one that made the newspaper several years ago and inspired a sculptor to craft a leaping dog that we actually saw at open studios ( we met the artist and she told us that she'd seen the Sentinel shot... )  oh man...  immersed in iPhoto for an hour looking for the shot... couldn't find it so, I took it off the wall to shoot it... oh T you were so good at this...and I'm not.

Selfie 

Anyway, I'm gonna try to catch a few more zzzz's....

Today is Friday, September 19th

OK, today was another enormous day... Ry and I walked the beach this morning... saw more neighbors & worked & exchanged my lockboxes, office and AAA started T's blue bomber and T had everything set up to charge his baby & I let it run on the charger for several hours... I can't tell you what it meant to start it!!!  Tomorrow I will drive it.

The amazing neighborhood we live in astounds me... dinner, cylinders stuffed with moth balls to deny the raccoons any refuge... hugs and love...

Linda suggested Race for Trace with a musical note in the logo which was also suggested by the Whitnicks... Jayne suggested the following plus a T shirt that features T & Riley on the beach... I'm astounded by our creativity...

Tracy's Light, Tracy's Angels, Tracy's Kin, Tracy's Tribute, Riley's Dad, Tracy's Music,Tracy's Tunes

Macavarians

Race For Trace

Tracers

Team T

Team McAvoy 

T time 

Team Popeye

Tribute to a Gentle Giant

Tracy's Troops

Racey Tracy

TeamTMc

The Mac Avoids

I was leaning towards Tracy's Troops but then, I realized, duh... T was a CO; served 2 years as a conscientious objector with the support of his military family during the Vietnam war... that just wouldn't fit our T.  So, I'm leaning towards Race for Trace with a musical note intertwined somehow and a photo of our T & Riley on the beach... whaddayathink?

Today is Friday, September 19th

I corrected my grammar on yesterday's post - Kindnesses of our family 'are' staggering ( I was an English major after all)  and added a couple more names for Tracy's team... reminder:  Tracy's name doesn't have to be a part of the team name altho' I tend to like it... and you can access previous posts from the list to the right.... I'll also recreate the list below:

Macavarians

Race For Trace

Tracers

Team T

Team McAvoy 

T time 

Team Popeye

Tribute to a Gentle Giant

Tracy's Troops

Racey Tracy

TeamTMc

The Mac Avoids

Gary & Deanna Happy 10th Anniversary!!!!   Enjoy!!!  I remember the event like it was yesterday.. Saint Orres - gorgeous setting- beautiful windy day on the coast - most beautiful princess bride - singing prior to the ceremony pretty well with Gar until I noticed Jayne & Carla bawling and then, I cracked and recovered...  Tracy ( strikingly handsome groomsman) unknowingly seating Deanna's Mom next to her Dad (tho' divorced and detested by Mom many years)... great celebration, spectacular coastal location, fab food and loving friends... a weekend in Paradise.. don't have any photos at the moment (haven't unpacked those boxes... pics please? )

 I'm sure Gar & Deanna are creating new ones...

Love to all!!  Remember to carpe diem!!!

Today is Thursday, September 18th

Jayne just brought to my attention that tomorrow would be a month since Tracy's passing... oops
it feels like a day and then it feels like forever...  for the last two days the dolphins have been amazing!!!  Yesterday was a very special trip to the beach... the dolphins were surfing straight at us... I've only seen that a couple times in the last 12 years that we've lived here.  Thank you my T.

Housekeeping...  Dinah turned me on to 2 phenomenal books:

"Tear Soup"  A Recipe for Healing.. Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen

      "I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

"Honoring Grief" by Alexandra Kennedy

       "Grief brings us to our knees.  It is humbling to realize that grief is so much more powerful than we are.  We realize how fragile we are, how precious life is, how our lives can change in an instant.  We will never return to the life we knew before the loss of a loved one.  We will never be the same."

and here's an excerpt from "After Goodbye" by Ted Menten  (Jayne's book):

       "When someone we love has died, we often seek a rebirth of wonder."


So I'm taking a few steps every day to acknowledge my grief and take care of all the 'stuff' that needs attention...  the overwhelming kindnesses of our family are staggering.

We need a name for Tracy's Relay for Life Team... here's what we have so far:

Macavarians

Race For Trace

Tracers

Team T

Team McAvoy 

T time 

Team Popeye

Tracy's Troops

Tribute to a Gentle Giant

Racey Tracy

TeamTMc

The Mac Avoids


Whaddayathink?  Any more suggestions?


last thing... I believe T is protecting us... opened up the back door this evening to let Riley out before bed and I saw, I believe, a raccoon standing on hind legs claws up in the yard.  Riley stopped short on the threshold and I freaked out... hysterical as I slammed the door shut.  I then, took Ry out in the front, on the leash, armed with a flashlight... need to make sure the lamp post works in front tomorrow.... and call AAA to get T's blue bomber started....

Today is Wednesday, Sept. 17th

Riley & I went to the beach this morning like old times only T wasn't with us and all of our beach buddies noticed...  dolphins and sea lions and I kept thinking how he would have loved it.

I am grateful for the strength to handle some of the stuff that has to be done without tears and then,  the enormity hits me..  I've been thinking and feeling my way ... not always pretty but I'm here and I'm grateful for our family... the thoughtfulness and the support and the love.

It's a month our T is gone...

Today is Monday, September 15th

I'm home at last... very emotionally charged weekend but I have to say I feel comforted by being here.  Tracy is everywhere... he built our home after all and we worked together to be here... when I feel at a total loss... I look around me and know he designed and built our home for us to be safe, to breathe the ocean air and listen to the sea...  I've yearned for its healing embrace...

This was a birthday weekend Jayne's on Fri. and Tracy would have been 65 yesterday.... and I hope I don't have to pack and unpack a home again for many years to come.... pure torture and I'm still not done... won't be unpacking T's stuff for awhile.... need some more time...

I'm very thankful for the Palo Alto home... T loved it there and now Rio Del Mar and Hidden beach welcomes us home... walked the beach both Sat. & Sun. with our Riley and a dolphin, sea lion and otter witnessed our return...

I am grateful for loving T for 21 years and it's gonna take awhile to return to 'life' without him in it... bear with us...

Today is Thursday, Sept. 11th

Today is the anniversary of 9/11... 13 years ago today many innocent people lost their lives at the bloody hands of jihadists and Americans realized we were no longer 'safe'.  Today I feel the pain of the survivors for their loss... there is a huge hole in my life and I finally get their anguish...

One day at a time is the slogan of the day and the roller coaster keeps on moving...  Last evening after packing for the last few days I felt angry.  Why in the midst of my grief do I have to pack yet again and move?  Because we failed... this was to be a joyous celebration of our return home... instead I return home without the love of my life and I leave a piece of both of us here in Palo Alto.... forever

I am angry, sad and oh so tired...  Life goes on

Today is Tuesday, Sept. 9th a Dieux

Read something this morning that puts everything in perspective and finally clicked...  Nothing is 'normal' nor will it ever be again.  This is my new normal.... the one where Tracy doesn't fill the room and no longer shares our life... so I'm winging it.

Today is Tuesday, September 9th

I don't know what to do with my grief... I miss my partner, my T... the one who put everything in perspective and figured it all out... always accessible with plenty of wit.  I'm going home at the end of the week and I'm scared cause I'm leaving our last shared space... a place he truly appreciated.  My return is to our home but he's never coming back... everything's changed and the tears just keep on flowing....

They say it gets easier... when?

Today is Saturday, September 6th

What would I do without the kindnesses of family and friends?

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...  the roller coaster of my emotions is enough to make me crazy... but everybody says it's normal.  Oh really?

So Jayne took me to Filoli Gardens today and we spent 3 hours enjoying the beauty of that magnificent estate and gardens... didn't freak out until I hit the gift shop and spoke to a dear friend... then the enormity of leaving the last place (the home in Palo Alto) that I shared with T and knowing how much he would have enjoyed the architecture and gardens and the questions he would have peppered the docent with hit me... thank God for family and chemical relief...

Time to reflect and heal... coming home soon...

Jayne & I

Today is Wednesday, Sept. 3rd

Gini just sent me this poem and it kinda sums it all up for me:

Staring at the little dots in the sky
Wondering which one is you
Asking the same question, why?
Only answer I know is that you knew.
Sitting by the window, watching the rain fall
Never felt so cold.
Remembered the last story you told.

Hold on and be strong
Live your life, do your things
For it's in heaven I belong
Go on and live your dreams

In a song I still hear you
In a flower I still see you
But your bed space is empty
It's just your memory that comforts me.
Missing you is a rollercoaster ride
Emotions up and down
Always wishing you are by my side

But I'll hold on and I'll be strong
Will live my life, do my things
And promise to live our dreams.

Nicolene Jansen van Vuuren 2011