Riding the waves... interesting how a book and support group can affect my outlook so radically. Of course some things never change... like my love of procrastination... I'm 'sposed to be putting the paperwork together for taxes... guess what I'm doing instead?
Some things I've recognized and some I'm learning how to embrace:
I am responsible for my decisions and my life.
No one gets out of this life untouched by loss.
I choose the way I want to think; even by my indecision.
Alcohol doesn't help.
Fear is my enemy.
We are all alone and all individuals whether in a relationship or not.
Music is very important to me.
Solving the puzzle, finding the solution moves me.
I will find joy again.
Riley is very important and won't be here forever.
My T man is not coming back.
About Me
- AnneMarie
- Concerned Citizen and a Serial Entrepreneur wrapped in a progressive democratic soul longing for us all to get along.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Today is Monday, February 2nd
Evolving as I surf the waves... realizing that everyone experiences loss... no one gets out unscathed... believe it or not that's allowed me to take a step back... I'm breathing again... and finally finding empathy and sympathy for others plights... as I roll...
lots going on over the last few days...huge client disappointment/betrayal on to group therapy then, Vick & Buck took me to the Sereno celebration at the new Levi stadium and we kicked up our heels! Fuhgeddaboudit!!! To dance, eat and enjoy an evening with friends was pure joy...shed a few tears in remembrance of past times with my great dancer T...
Reviewed offers on my listing on Sat.... been working this listing since July of 2013... am so thankful that my client is about to get everything she'd hoped for... so sad that the only person I wanted to share the long awaited win with is no longer here to celebrate....
Super Bowl Sunday at the Whitnicks... a chance to see a pretty good game surrounded by great friends/family, food and laughs... and the Patriots lucked out!!!
Loaded Riley into the blue bomber; met the new plumber who finally fixed the shower issues at the occupied rental today; then met my client to write her multiple counter offer; came home to do the books and finally, to collapse...
T used to tell me he loved me like a big dog... I miss him even more...
lots going on over the last few days...huge client disappointment/betrayal on to group therapy then, Vick & Buck took me to the Sereno celebration at the new Levi stadium and we kicked up our heels! Fuhgeddaboudit!!! To dance, eat and enjoy an evening with friends was pure joy...shed a few tears in remembrance of past times with my great dancer T...
Reviewed offers on my listing on Sat.... been working this listing since July of 2013... am so thankful that my client is about to get everything she'd hoped for... so sad that the only person I wanted to share the long awaited win with is no longer here to celebrate....
Super Bowl Sunday at the Whitnicks... a chance to see a pretty good game surrounded by great friends/family, food and laughs... and the Patriots lucked out!!!
Loaded Riley into the blue bomber; met the new plumber who finally fixed the shower issues at the occupied rental today; then met my client to write her multiple counter offer; came home to do the books and finally, to collapse...
T used to tell me he loved me like a big dog... I miss him even more...
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Today is Wednesday, January 28th
Waves are huge... unrelenting and then, it's low tide....
I'm balancing the stuff of life... work, rentals and becoming 'me' but sometimes all the progress shifts...
I watched Tracy's blue bomber drive away and became a puddle... a neighbor with car trouble and I offered T's truck to use... Riley was so excited to see it back into the driveway after a test drive and then, so confused that it wasn't T driving...
Life happens... I keep listening for his voice in my heart and sometimes I get past my pain only to realize I'm not alone... bad things happen all the time to good people... that's life... and then, the sun comes up again...
It's the journey...
I'm balancing the stuff of life... work, rentals and becoming 'me' but sometimes all the progress shifts...
I watched Tracy's blue bomber drive away and became a puddle... a neighbor with car trouble and I offered T's truck to use... Riley was so excited to see it back into the driveway after a test drive and then, so confused that it wasn't T driving...
Life happens... I keep listening for his voice in my heart and sometimes I get past my pain only to realize I'm not alone... bad things happen all the time to good people... that's life... and then, the sun comes up again...
It's the journey...
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Today is Thursday, January 22nd
OMG!!! What a difference the last few days have made in my outlook.... I finally recognized that the 2nd dose of Wellbutrin was making me panicky and full of anxiety... duh... without the afternoon dose I've felt reasonably normal the last few days and I've handled all kinds of stuff... ahhh... without retreating to my bed...
Just this morning about 6 AM Mr. R decided he needed to go out. For the first time in months, I just let him out the door of our bedroom... it was still dark; I was still sleepy & unfortunately, I didn't shine a light down on the yard or make any noises to accompany our Riley down the stairs.... Mr. R surprised a skunk and got a full dose of his displeasure... oh my... bless our T!!! he'd put the anti-skunk juice together in a bucket in the laundry room, way up high on a shelf and when Riley reappeared with the clinging scent of skunk... he allowed me to treat him to a full dose of antidote in the shower... all before my eyes were truly open.... too bad the smell lingers in the house...
From there to the rentals to adjust the color of the paint for the porch and then, a visit to Linda's friend and long time hairstylist who gave me a make over.... hadn't had a hair cut or color done in several months... photos tomorrow... she gave me highlights and warmed up the color... and is encouraging me to 'be' again... ahhh
On to the office to meet with my dear client to list her homestead once again. At last, at a price I believe will sell it....
I am oh, so thankful for I feel T is surrounding me and supporting me and pushing me to move forward... he's in my heart and as I talk to him; I feel what he would respond and act accordingly... the love of my life wants me to live as he prods me forward...
after all, we truly only have the present and our memories... the future holds no guarantees...
The real question is what if I only had a week left? What would I choose to do?
I'm on a quest to figure that out...
Just this morning about 6 AM Mr. R decided he needed to go out. For the first time in months, I just let him out the door of our bedroom... it was still dark; I was still sleepy & unfortunately, I didn't shine a light down on the yard or make any noises to accompany our Riley down the stairs.... Mr. R surprised a skunk and got a full dose of his displeasure... oh my... bless our T!!! he'd put the anti-skunk juice together in a bucket in the laundry room, way up high on a shelf and when Riley reappeared with the clinging scent of skunk... he allowed me to treat him to a full dose of antidote in the shower... all before my eyes were truly open.... too bad the smell lingers in the house...
From there to the rentals to adjust the color of the paint for the porch and then, a visit to Linda's friend and long time hairstylist who gave me a make over.... hadn't had a hair cut or color done in several months... photos tomorrow... she gave me highlights and warmed up the color... and is encouraging me to 'be' again... ahhh
On to the office to meet with my dear client to list her homestead once again. At last, at a price I believe will sell it....
I am oh, so thankful for I feel T is surrounding me and supporting me and pushing me to move forward... he's in my heart and as I talk to him; I feel what he would respond and act accordingly... the love of my life wants me to live as he prods me forward...
after all, we truly only have the present and our memories... the future holds no guarantees...
The real question is what if I only had a week left? What would I choose to do?
I'm on a quest to figure that out...
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Today is Monday, January 19th Martin Luther King,Jr. Day
5 months ago today we lost the fight. I'm still having a hard time accepting that he's never coming home. ... tired of the inner turmoil... of running into people who don't know and ask for T or remark that they haven't seen him or me lately...too sensitive and prickly...
lost another good man last week... someone who made a difference in this world by being a father to many....there's nothing so constant as change and it seems lately, it's accompanied by lots of loss.
I'm too sensitive to what others think... always have been. Tracy couldn't have cared less. He was a constant counterpoint. .. seldom affected by others opinions or actions... thought for himself and lived according to his golden rule... how lonely is the knowledge that there's a ticking bomb inside of you? yet, he put one foot in front of the other and kept fighting and hoping...
I seek peace... finish the rental, accept the betrayal and the knowledge that some folks take advantage when you're down and finally, just be done with it. "Don't sweat the small stuff" as Tracy would say... it shall be the means to a new phase
I am alive and Riley needs me... thank God. I get to live in the home we created on the beautiful central coast... so lucky to have survived and he'll always be in my heart.
lost another good man last week... someone who made a difference in this world by being a father to many....there's nothing so constant as change and it seems lately, it's accompanied by lots of loss.
I'm too sensitive to what others think... always have been. Tracy couldn't have cared less. He was a constant counterpoint. .. seldom affected by others opinions or actions... thought for himself and lived according to his golden rule... how lonely is the knowledge that there's a ticking bomb inside of you? yet, he put one foot in front of the other and kept fighting and hoping...
I seek peace... finish the rental, accept the betrayal and the knowledge that some folks take advantage when you're down and finally, just be done with it. "Don't sweat the small stuff" as Tracy would say... it shall be the means to a new phase
I am alive and Riley needs me... thank God. I get to live in the home we created on the beautiful central coast... so lucky to have survived and he'll always be in my heart.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Today is Friday, January 16th
Wonderful metaphor presented by one of the survivors (that's how I think of we, the widows ) today.... she thinks of us as in the chrysalis stage before we become butterflies... beautiful metaphor of who I am right now, or hope to become...
I've been stuck in a stage - guilt & anger and they overpower me at times... guilt because perhaps I could have handled things differently and after all, I was raised as a Roman Catholic 2nd generation full blooded Italian American, middle child of three and only girl... learned from the best... anger because I'm left to deal with stuff that was Tracy's life's work and I just don't get it and hate the role I've had to assume. I was the business, finance, social manager.... left the care and feeding of our home and rentals to Tracy's loving care. Ruben is doing things at the rental and I'm hoping... hoping that it will all work out.
Hard to express my feelings but the support group assures me... I'm not a lone pony. Slowly, I'm evolving but it's 2 steps forward and then, one awfully sad step back... one step at a time... tears at the ready... Riley, now my main man, trying very hard not to disappoint...
I've been stuck in a stage - guilt & anger and they overpower me at times... guilt because perhaps I could have handled things differently and after all, I was raised as a Roman Catholic 2nd generation full blooded Italian American, middle child of three and only girl... learned from the best... anger because I'm left to deal with stuff that was Tracy's life's work and I just don't get it and hate the role I've had to assume. I was the business, finance, social manager.... left the care and feeding of our home and rentals to Tracy's loving care. Ruben is doing things at the rental and I'm hoping... hoping that it will all work out.
Hard to express my feelings but the support group assures me... I'm not a lone pony. Slowly, I'm evolving but it's 2 steps forward and then, one awfully sad step back... one step at a time... tears at the ready... Riley, now my main man, trying very hard not to disappoint...
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Today is Thursday, January 8th
Sundays are the toughest and then, there's dinner time every night... making multiple decisions almost impossible... multi-tasking HA!... but yesterday, after multiple meltdowns.... and conversations with family and my neighbor; I made one important decision based on what is best for me. I never wanted to manage property. I sell homes. So, I dove off the cliff and finally, made the decision. As soon as the renovation is finished; I will sell our duplex. That feels good. That feels right. That will allow me to step back and just 'be' for awhile.
Walking on the beach with Riley is healing and exercise... next maybe stretch yoga or pilates... at least one decision a day feels like I'm moving forward. Trusting myself and knowing T would want me to do what's best for me now rather than disloyal to his memory.... perhaps hope is sneaking through...
Walking on the beach with Riley is healing and exercise... next maybe stretch yoga or pilates... at least one decision a day feels like I'm moving forward. Trusting myself and knowing T would want me to do what's best for me now rather than disloyal to his memory.... perhaps hope is sneaking through...
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