Today is Monday, October 20th, 2014

The other shoe dropped... Autopsy results today... the cure killed our T.  As suspected results concluded... no leukemia in his system when our T breathed his last breath, but his liver failed due to clinical trial INOTUSAMAB plus all the fucking chemo damage to his liver... warned of the side effect;  T made the decision, the only decision to hope for life... it was 50/50 that the bone marrow transplant would be the answer and now we live with the down side of the 50/50...

I'm beside myself with the loss of my love... today I set the record straight... the 'social worker' Joanne Asano was there occupying a seat and the BMT leader Andrew Razvani related the results. Andrew was the compassionate leader who spoke with our T and listened when T said he was soo tired of hurting... and finally, T accepted morphine to ease the pain.

I finally had a chance to tell the patient's side of all of this... I must say it felt good to express my dissatisfaction with certain aspects of our treatment - the social workers 'help', the cancellation of liver biopsy due to liver cirrhosis and then, ultimately, gratitude for the love and support of nurses and physicians assistants care.  I had the opportunity to clear the slate.  I need to write a letter to Stanford now, too... it's important and T would expect no less.

Weird thing... I spoke with Stanford and Blue Shield today re a bill I was sent for several hundred $$ way after our deductible had been met and Tracy was actually in the hospital.  BS contended that the CT scan and radiologist were out of network providers as I questioned their sanity.  I then called Stanford back.  They wanted a copy of the death certificate... WTF???  I replied that T died in the hospital and did they realize I lost my husband?  I told them they could pound sand before I paid this bill and that after a $26K premium which included an $8K deductible they'd been paid all they would get out of this stone.

And then, this evening I received a text telling me that my business credit card had been compromised.

I was ready for home and my Riley.... rest now...  I need to heal...

Today is Friday, October 17th

25 years ago today the Loma Prieta Earthquake rocked our world.  Everyone remembers where they were at 5:04 PM... Tracy was in the Cupertino library and was fortunate he had just walked out of the stacks and was uninjured (we hadn't met yet.. Ha )... I was in my room in Ann Arbor, Michigan after a full day at the Univ of Michigan School of Bus. Admin. HR Executive Program watching the third  game of the World Series - Battle of the Bay- the Oakland A's vs the SF Giants when the screen went black...  working for Apple at the time and trying to reach anyone to find out if they were still on this plain....

Flash forward to 2010 and Tracy had just begun the chemical onslaught and the SF Giants & the SF 49ers kept him going.... "if they could do it so could he"  his slogan

Flash forward to today and I thank God for my dear friends!!!  I've been quite lost the last week or so...talking, crying, sobbing, reminiscing... just barely coping and then, today Judy took me to Refuge, the Carmel spa that is just about the closest we're ever gonna get to Heaven on earth.  OMG!!!  Peaceful, serene, relaxing and so soothing...

I'm baack... as I immersed myself and stared at the clouds... I finally got that there will be days where I will breathe in and out and not cry and Tracy smiled...

Today is Thursday, October 16th

Four years ago today, Tracy was admitted to Stanford with his deadly diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.... I've been very emotional this week... every time I turn around my eyes leak... duh, just figured it out.  I'm missing my man,  my T... there's a big hole in my heart and as the Giants fight their way into the World Series I flash on T taking on the fight of his life... and he's gone after such a tremendous struggle...  think I'm suffering with PTSD...

GIANTS are in the WORLD SERIES!!!!!!

Here we go... the roller coaster continues....

Today is Saturday, October 11th, 2014

Thank you my friends and family... my last post was melancholy.. just plain sad... I have those days, hours, minutes where I can't seem to breathe for the loss of Tracy but then, Thursday and Friday happen.. and today I can write about it.  I am very fortunate.  Riley looks at me with those big brown eyes imploring me to get up and go and I hear Mom saying "just do it!" and I rouse my weary soul, tend to my eye, grab a banana and we're off to the beach...

the dolphins are dancing and our beach friends remark on the beauty of the sea and I am truly awake...  Tracy embraced every moment.. he got the concept of the here and now... that's all we truly have... today... this moment...

writing as I listen to Barbra's duets, candles burning around T...  eyes leaking, feeling the the truth of each and every song...

Each day I tackle a few of the many things on my 'to do' list.. or try to... so many details... yesterday, after my Riley walk with Judy;  dropped my car off for an oil change.   Marilyn picked me up...went to West Cliff and witnessed many whales playing, feeding... astounding... breaching... I'd missed them all summer and T brought them out to play...

Fixed the cracked screen of my iPhone;  showed my listing on Maciel... thought about stopping somewhere for calamari but couldn't stand the idea of alone... gonna have to get over that one...

As I grasp the idea of not ever hearing T's voice again;  the loss stifles my soul, my eyes leak;  yet I know Riley needs me immediately to get out of bed and take him to the beach... he misses our T... the beach will heal us and T wants that too...

Today is Wednesday, October 8th

Life goes on and yet, I'm having a real issue...  had my first grief counseling today... oh boy, I'm on track...I drive home and I see T's blue bomber and I think, oh boy, he's home!  Short of selling his truck... what do I do?

I know I've already extended way past the allotted grief time; but what do I do?

Oh dear, I wish I'd covered so many more issues, but really who thinks about 'in the event of death'?

I'm missing the love of my life... when do I accept that he's truly gone?

Today is Saturday, October 4th

Thank God for the beach!!!  Incredibly warm here on the coast the last few days... 100 degrees?  It's October!!!

So, I am missing my love and being me and trying to continue... I feel very lucky to be here in our home...

Tomorrow Sunday, October 5th,  Tracy's obituary will be in the Santa Cruz Sentinel and the San Jose Mercury News and I believe; online too... altho' I was so emotional when I placed it... I think that's what they said.

Love to you all!!!

Today is Wednesday, October 1st

After several downer days;  yesterday & today happened.  Slowly but surely, T is holding me steady... Checking off lots of details that need handling... the enormity of the loss of T ... yet life goes on.. that's what's so hard to understand.

Anyway, lots of beach walking... actually went to my office meeting for the first time in over 3 months today!!! ...later this afternoon, fired up T's blue bomber .. Riley didn't even wait for me to open the tailgate...he was in & sailing along happy as a clam!!!  T, I'm so glad you insisted on keeping your '89 4Runner... it's fun to drive and Riley loves it... and being in it, I keep remembering...