Today is Friday, November 14th

well, this is when Tracy used to rein me in & tell me to think before I committed.  I think I jumped the gun. I'm in the middle of evicting the horrible tenants that have run rampant in our rental & destroyed Tracy's work.  Then comes our 19th anniversary, the first one without T. Thanksgiving without T and then his Memorial all in one week.  Am I nuts? I came up with 106 names.  I haven't called Toni & Tery although I doubt they'd be able to make it. So, what am I to do?  Tracy where are you when I need to seriously discuss this.

Today is Thursday, November 13th

It's raining and I'm giving myself the day off... other than meeting with an eviction attorney at 3PM in Watsonville.   Tracy's place is surrounded by lit candles and Riley has joined me in bed.

I am finally at peace with a major decision... it's time for Tracy's Memorial...A Celebration of T's Life.  I'm going to put a list of folks together and we're formulating ideas with Deb, Diane, Jayne & Carla, Deanna, but it's gonna be the Sunday after Thanksgiving, the 30th.   I know that I may miss some folks cause they'll be out of town but Thanksgiving was and is a significant time for T & I.  19 years ago we were married the day after Thanksgiving (planned that one in 6 weeks) and we celebrated Mom's birthday that weekend too ( our last together )...  I feel like we all need an opportunity to express the joy of T's life and I hope if folks aren't able to make it;  perhaps they'll send photos, best wishes and/or contribute to the fight against cancer by joining our Race for Trace team...  click the link below to access our team page.

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/RaceforTrace

I know it's short notice but somehow this works for my peace of mind right now... a very necessary step for me... I know I'll never be without Tracy in my heart but I also realize he's not coming home... sounds crazy but there were times in the last 4 years when T would be in the hospital for 4 weeks or more... I'd speak with him every day and see him frequently in those times but I always knew he'd come home.  Now I have to acknowledge he's not ever going to come home.. in a public way.. to honor him and close this chapter... I can't move forward without this homage.

I'll always love T and always have him in my heart... he was my co-pilot in life and I feel him helping me see the road forward... love you all and thank you for your support.

There is nothing so constant as change... and this life is all about living with Plan B....

Alright already... Au Deux 3

My New Do taken by Jayne

Sunday, November 9th Au Deux

A soon to be happily converted Rio Del Mar resident,

sent me these from yesterday's foray to the beach...  shot with a Nikon Thanks Yvette!!!

Today is Sunday, November 9th

Hallelujah!!  I've had a breakthrough... Finally hit me....realized on my way over the hill yesterday as I clicked into the beauty of the coast and our surroundings perhaps for the first time in months.... I've been living in fear since T relapsed... that's a long time to reside in feelings that are so antithetical to who I am... I've adapted to hiding... sometimes in plain sight... I marshaled the forces when absolutely necessary but curled into a little ball and reacted only when absolutely necessary.  I've always been the daredevil...pushing the limits and yet the enormity of actually losing T ground my spirit to a screeching halt....  Fear is a terribly lonely space...intimidating... haven't lost a whole lot of battles in my lifetime but this was one that meant too much to me to lose and yet... he's gone.

I miss my T.... his physical presence that 6'4" teddy bear, that voice that enveloped me, his huge arms engulfing me on his lap and being totally embraced, immersed in his being.  The discussions where we took opposite sides and agreed to disagree. We had many ups and downs in 21 years but I never lost sight of the fact that we loved each other and we'd always fight for each other.... I never expected to lose... the shock of the loss of such an important battle and the aftermath can wreak havoc...  Guess what?  it did.

I'm taking baby steps back into life... I know yesterday getting a new hair cut; venturing into Macy's to buy a bra and having chinese food in a restaurant with best friends, Jayne & Carla... not huge but for me, significant....  T is my sidekick... edging me on....

Witnessed T's love of the marine life right here at home  this week... unbelievable!!!  These pics taken with my iPhone 5s.. not great but you get it...

Riley prancing

Surfers watching a whale breach  ahhhh

Once more 

Happy Hallowe'en!!!

21 years of memories cloud my focus today... I'm very emotional... Halloween began our journey together and this is the first without my love... lots of firsts to come....

The books say the roller coaster is normal... I'm living proof.  I am grateful for  T's 21 years of love and devotion and also, so grateful to continue to have such wonderful support and love from family and dear friends.

I've asked Jenny to come and help give out an enormous bag of candy this evening... I just don't want to be alone.... Riley will be upset by the constant doorbell so, it's important that I be here.

Thank you Gini and Carroll and Carol for your amazing thoughtfulness...

Thank you, Gini!!!  They're beautiful!

Carroll & Carol Fall Gift

Life goes on for we the living... we are shaped by our experiences... wins and losses....

and

through 

all the tears

and the 

sadness 

and the 

pain

comes the 

one thought

that can 

make 

me internally

smile again:

I 

have 

loved.

Melba Colgrove

Today is Monday, October 27th

I gave myself the weekend to indulge my grief... awoke to rain on Sat. and decided that was as good an excuse as any to stay in bed and finish my book... then, on to the couch to watch 2 movies... The Normal Heart and Behind the Candelabra... I guess it was time to mourn for Cenz again too.  The 2 movies had been here a month.  I missed my guys and allowed myself the time and space and thank God,  then, the Giants gave us something to cheer for... Go Giants!!!  Tracy is up there cheering too!

Sunday was a beautiful day... the beach was gorgeous and then, I headed down to our rentals to meet a roofing contractor... One of the homes that Tracy lovingly restored is a mess.  I gave the tenants a 60 day notice to get out last Sun.  They never bothered to tell me that the roof had an issue either.  Our bad that we hadn't done an inspection in several years.  The lease expired last Dec. while Tracy was in the hospital fighting to get back to remission.  So, now I'm faced with getting them out and doing a huge fix up.  The other house's water heater decided to implode last week and the microwave/fan died.  Ai yi yi!!!  When it rains, it pours.... Ha!!!

So, my chief complaint is that the 1st roofer sent me an estimate today which was simply outrageous. Apparently, he thinks that since I'm female, I'm stupid.  Let's see what the 2 roofers tomorrow come up with.  

I must say outrage feels better than where I've been lately.  

I also know I'm taking steps... baby steps but steps none the less.  

I'm on the right side of the dirt....