Today is Thursday, July 30th

Race for Trace banner mounted on our booth

Me, Marit, Jayne, Deanna, Tammy

 A Much healthier T on Buttons 

Me, Jayne, Jim, Linda, Carla, Shar, Deanna, Tammy, Judy, Johnny, Bob, Gary, Alan
Opening Ceremony

Carla, Deb

Me holding 49er Faithful Plaque- Johnny looking on

So many feelings...sadness, gratitude, loneliness, hopefulness, joy, longing, regret, thoughtfulness....

The clan surprised me with a gorgeous banner for the Relay, buttons with T's photo on them, photos to carry... and a plaque in honor of Tracy to be placed at the 49ers stadium.  During the Relay, I volunteered to be the American Cancer Society Ambassador for Santa Cruz County.  I have a lot of passion around getting the funding needed for research and my skill set /experience has been presenting to the electeds both in DC and Sacramento... we'll see... First I'm on a quest to figure out where the funding actually goes.

Anyway, I'm gradually getting used to the fact that T is not coming back... guess I was delusional for awhile but I'm now looking around my house; realizing that I'm responsible for it's care and feeding....argh...  Lucky for me,  I just closed the sale of 14857 Payton Ave. San Jose and am making a list of 'honey do's' that I'll have to have taken care of.... wishing for trustworthy folks to complete the many tasks including getting T's truck fixed.

With the Merry Widows yesterday, I realized I need to do a couple things in the house to make me feel safe and comfortable... all in good time.

Di gave me this photo mounted on glass and a beautiful memory for my birthday.... 2 years ago, Tracy and I were celebrating his remission and the twins' 50th birthday bash over the hill.  I was driving so, no alcohol for me but lots of fun, kibitzing and music.  T settled in with a glass of red wine and Di captured him looking at me harmonizing with Gar....

Ahhhhhh

Today is Sunday, July 19th

So very hard to believe that he's been gone 11 months... I don't know what to do with my feelings this evening... I miss him... I miss the twinkle in his eyes and that deep throated " hi baby" and the feeling of being loved and loving such a character...that drove me mad so many times and yet, I never would give up...we wouldn't give up on each other.  I look around our room and feel so lost yet so found...

Saw another survivor Thurs. who hugged me and told me that he &Trace had had a lot of fun together.  I'm glad of that and so happy that he made it but I wanted to scream and holler "why not Trace?"  Why wasn't he one of the lucky ones?!!!  They told us the odds were 50/50...just never believed he wouldn't beat the odds.  I don't want to dwell on the hardest last month... must keep remembering those wonderful moments we had prior to that or I'll go crazy.

Didn't think I could take a walk on the beach this morning and then, I looked into Riley's sad brown eyes and realized our spirits both needed it.... I'm learning and evolving and trying to just listen.... amazing how the absence of the constant need for attention to Tracy's needs has allowed me to slow down and truly listen.... not always sure I like what I'm hearing but at least I have the time...

Our Relay for Life - Race for Trace was truly a heartfelt tribute to T .... our family went all out and we raised ~ $6200 for cancer research to honor Tracy's fight.  Without research, T wouldn't have lasted past the 2 months projected upon his diagnosis.  So many tears and so much joy surrounded by those who loved our gentle giant....

Love, luck and white light streaming....   oh yah and rock on!!!

Today is Friday, July 10th

Death has allowed me the luxury to realize that capturing and experiencing those moments of spontaneity are what makes life worth living.

I know most of us are aware that this moment in time is all that we have.... but do any of us really get that?  I try to be conscious, slow down and truly feel but honestly, it takes a lot of effort to 'be here now'.  I vow to give it a go...

Been reading a lot more lately... Finished "The 4th Rule of Ten" awhile ago and looking for his 5th.  Tenzig's outlook on life has pushed me to be more 'aware' and check in with how my feelings and emotions are affected by events.... and they call it 'fiction'.

John & Shar are here from Cape Cod with Riley & I and I truly feel blessed.  This weekend we will celebrate Tracy's and many others valiant fight and raise awareness and money to fund Cancer research which allowed our gentle giant 3 years and 10 months past his diagnosis.

 I am truly blessed with extended family that will walk with us tomorrow and have donated to the cause.  There isn't anyone that hasn't been touched by the big C.

I thank you Jayne and Carla especially!!!  Jayne, without your amazing ability to manage, direct and handle so many bouncing balls I couldn't have survived the last 10 months and 22 days.  Carla for being my welcoming shoulder.  When I think of family, I know I'm blessed. Gary & Deb, Gary & Deanna, Jim & Linda, Alan, Marilyn, you are my rock stars always present and never too busy.... Love and white light and Tracy's gentle spirit surrounds us.

There aren't enough words to express how sincerely I thank all of you my family of friends for your guiding spirit....

Love, light and happiness!!!  

Tie dye reigns this weekend!!!

Today is July 3rd

Happy almost 4th of July!!!!!

Amazing crazy busy work week!!!!  Wow!!!

14857 Payton Ave. received 8 offers and went WAY over list price of 1.088 on the 1st.
615 Cliff Drive received 4 offers and went way over list price of 1.049 tonight.
I listed 188 Seacliff Drive yesterday.... not to be on the MLS for 3 weeks but with a 'coming soon' sign which already has calls coming in.

Thank you Tracy for directing business my way...  I miss sharing with you... actually I just really miss you period...

Riley has been really upset by the fireworks the last 2 evenings.  I gave him 3 Melatonin last night and that relaxed him enough to allow for sleep so, we repeated again tonight.  I feel so bad for my boy but he's sleeping peacefully next to me now.

Made a cheesecake tonight for the party I was invited to tomorrow after the parade.  It was very hard to get going on it... I kept remembering my T standing next to me making the crust... didn't know whether I could proceed... it took a few tears and some sweet memories and then, I got the rolling pin out and got into smashing the graham crackers... adding the rest of the ingredients was easy after that.

One more step forward...

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!!