It's a sleepless night June 21st

Friday marked 10 months that my T is gone.  It's hit me really hard...I can't seem to relax into it.  My heart hurts. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and keeping pace but I can't seem to find my joy ... the sun comes up, our Riley wants attention, the beach beckons and Tracy keeps sending me good business... I feel him pushing me forward but what I really want is him back and our life the way it was before he became ill... irrational, huh?  He never liked the commercialism of holidays but he could mark them by the sweetest gestures... we had that unspoken language that happens when you've spent a lifetime together even tho' it was only 21 years.  I think he would have been a great dad, had he given himself the opportunity... unfortunately, it was out of the ? for us since we met too late for that.

Oh my, I sigh a lot and keep trying to engage and I'll keep on trying cause that's what I do... I never give up.  and the sun will come up tomorrow and hopefully, I'll sleep tonight.... and perhaps, I'll get his blue bomber started tomorrow....