Today is Saturday, February 28th

I've been trying to figure out why the waves of grief have been so high lately... last week my senior spouse support group honored our lost loved ones.  I started looking through our albums - virtual on iPhoto and tactile actual albums for photos... I've been down for the count ever since... I'm missing that full of life man who shared himself and his life and his dreams with me... I look at the photos and the memories flood my soul... how do you go forward when you can't get past... at least now I'm remembering a lot more of the good times rather than just the crises of the last four years... something to be said for that.... it's raining and it seems like Tracy should be here reveling in it... he loved walking on the beach in the rain with our boy, Riley...

I've been talking to him...asking him for guidance... big ?'s...  our Riley has had lots of erratic behavior that I'd attributed to grief and I finally took him to a new vet for a check up and blood panel; then, when confronted with the prospects also consulted with Lea, our Godchild.  Finally, I asked T if I should subject Mr. R to an ultra sound and have a urine culture now that the blood panel suggests further inquiry... the vets say yes and T says "are you kidding me?"  so, here we go...  keep your fingers crossed... our boy is 14 yrs and 5 months old... I just don't want him to be in any pain or distress.... and I can't stand the thought of losing him too.

The rentals are finally ready to be put on the market.  A couple days and it's a go.... 2 new buyer referrals came in today... just when I thought it was time to let it all go... right now, I wish I could crawl into T's lap and drink in his strength... I hope he's having fun up there... it's time for both of us...

What to do when life feels so hard...keep walking forward ...feel the sun on our faces and the water lapping at our feet...

Today is Monday, February 16th

Amazing leaps and bounds... it's 5 months and 28 days since my love died.  Friday morning at 6:00AM, I read an email from Bookshop Santa Cruz about their annual short story contest. Submission by today.  Here's mine:

“Are you crazy?  How could you leave the garage door opener in my unlocked truck

in the driveway?”   This, after not hearing from him for five months and twenty-six days.  She shook her head; suddenly realizing the depth of her mistake, trying desperately to wake up from this nightmare… oh, but he wasn’t finished… “Where’s the security system since Jack can’t hear much any more?  Haven’t you even thought about getting another dog?”  The unrelenting questions, tinged by the constant barrage of judgement; just as if he’d never left…. Where did he get off asking these questions and judging her actions after he’d basically abandoned her?  Months gone without a word… She’d agonized over the loss of his physical presence, the depth of their conversations, his long standing guidance and counterpoint and the feel of his embrace so acutely… and now for him to finally reappear after so much time only to criticize and mock her; felt overly cruel and uncalled for.  After all, he’d promised to always be there for her…

Once upon a time they’d been so happy.  A dream come true for both Tina & Popeye. They met on Halloween under a star studded sky lit by a full moon; compelled by their infectious wit, they embraced the chance encounter by throwing caution to the wind to pursue a life together.  Courting sparked a relationship founded on friendship, humor, trust and fun and a whole lot of hope…  days of joyful play mingled with meaningful conversation, music and intimacy… a joining of two hearts

formed a union with deep love and respect for who they were and who they would become.  They both had survived other relationships and used their experience to build and shape and infuse this new ‘thing’ they’d made.  Encouraging each other’s moves to new careers, supporting each other through the loss of dear ones and evolving circumstances, ultimately, they would discover their true selves.  Popeye was always urging Tina to fly her wings, take the leap and then, return to earth.  Tina was Popeye’s infection, spurring him on to design and build a home, release the artist within and be his advocate when he needed back up to push forward.  As one, they faced, traveled and edited their world.  Hope their constant companion.

The years seemed to speed by until Popeye slowly felt a drag in his step. Intermittent episodes of unidentified symptoms began to shape his world and adjust his attitude.  Something just wasn’t right.  Many tests with adverse results and the verdict was heard as a new victim emerged… Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia had wreaked havoc on his body.  Drastic measures were required to combat this dis-ease.  Hospitals were their new domain and doctors, fellows, physician assistants and nurses, their new friends…  if they were lucky and oh, how they counted on luck, these new friends would be his savior.

How to survive when faced with a devastating illness?  Popeye learned the value of each and every day.  Carpe diem their slogan; he seized the day.  Tina, the sea and their faithful dog, Jack shaped his journey.  They learned the depth of their courage in the fight for his life.  Four years as prisoners of the disease, many episodes of victory and sheer horror later; Popeye lost the fight.  Tina lost her center and her way for many months.  Her whole purpose collapsed and hope vanished.   Who was Tina now without Popeye?  Her life was so different without her ‘rock’.   Why hadn’t he visited in her dreams? Hmmmm she really wasn’t dreaming….  Grief had overtaken her existence.  A nightly sleeping pill had allowed her to escape to peace and rest.  Until finally, many months later, Tina was ready to surrender….minus the sleeping pills, the clouds began to disappear.  The relentless waves of grief crested when Popeye spoke to her in her dreams.  Armed with his practical advice and a push forward, she had found hope once again.  Tina was going to live ….

Just finished and submitted... I can feel again....

Today is Tuesday, February 10th

Riding the waves... interesting how a book and support group can affect my outlook so radically.  Of course some things never change... like my love of procrastination... I'm 'sposed to be putting the paperwork together for taxes... guess what I'm doing instead?

Some things I've recognized and some I'm learning how to embrace:

I am responsible for my decisions and my life.

No one gets out of this life untouched by loss.

I choose the way I want to think; even by my indecision.

Alcohol doesn't help.

Fear is my enemy.

We are all alone and all individuals whether in a relationship or not.

Music is very important to me.

Solving the puzzle, finding the solution moves me.

I will find joy again.

Riley is very important and won't be here forever.

My T man is not coming back.

Today is Monday, February 2nd

Evolving as I surf the waves... realizing that everyone experiences loss... no one gets out unscathed... believe it or not that's allowed me to take a step back... I'm breathing again... and finally finding empathy and sympathy for others plights...  as I roll...

lots going on over the last few days...huge client disappointment/betrayal on to group therapy then, Vick & Buck took me to the Sereno celebration at the new Levi stadium and we kicked up our heels! Fuhgeddaboudit!!!  To dance, eat and enjoy an evening with friends was pure joy...shed a few tears in remembrance of past times with my great dancer T...

Reviewed offers on my listing on Sat.... been working this listing since July of 2013... am so thankful that my client is about to get everything she'd hoped for... so sad that the only person I wanted to share the long awaited win with is no longer here to celebrate....

Super Bowl Sunday at the Whitnicks... a chance to see a pretty good game surrounded by great friends/family, food and laughs... and the Patriots lucked out!!!

Loaded Riley into the blue bomber;  met the new plumber who finally fixed the shower issues at the occupied rental today;  then met my client to write her multiple counter offer;  came home to do the books and finally, to collapse...

 T used to tell me he loved me like a big dog... I miss him even more...