Today is Wednesday, Sept. 17th

Riley & I went to the beach this morning like old times only T wasn't with us and all of our beach buddies noticed...  dolphins and sea lions and I kept thinking how he would have loved it.

I am grateful for the strength to handle some of the stuff that has to be done without tears and then,  the enormity hits me..  I've been thinking and feeling my way ... not always pretty but I'm here and I'm grateful for our family... the thoughtfulness and the support and the love.

It's a month our T is gone...

Today is Monday, September 15th

I'm home at last... very emotionally charged weekend but I have to say I feel comforted by being here.  Tracy is everywhere... he built our home after all and we worked together to be here... when I feel at a total loss... I look around me and know he designed and built our home for us to be safe, to breathe the ocean air and listen to the sea...  I've yearned for its healing embrace...

This was a birthday weekend Jayne's on Fri. and Tracy would have been 65 yesterday.... and I hope I don't have to pack and unpack a home again for many years to come.... pure torture and I'm still not done... won't be unpacking T's stuff for awhile.... need some more time...

I'm very thankful for the Palo Alto home... T loved it there and now Rio Del Mar and Hidden beach welcomes us home... walked the beach both Sat. & Sun. with our Riley and a dolphin, sea lion and otter witnessed our return...

I am grateful for loving T for 21 years and it's gonna take awhile to return to 'life' without him in it... bear with us...

Today is Thursday, Sept. 11th

Today is the anniversary of 9/11... 13 years ago today many innocent people lost their lives at the bloody hands of jihadists and Americans realized we were no longer 'safe'.  Today I feel the pain of the survivors for their loss... there is a huge hole in my life and I finally get their anguish...

One day at a time is the slogan of the day and the roller coaster keeps on moving...  Last evening after packing for the last few days I felt angry.  Why in the midst of my grief do I have to pack yet again and move?  Because we failed... this was to be a joyous celebration of our return home... instead I return home without the love of my life and I leave a piece of both of us here in Palo Alto.... forever

I am angry, sad and oh so tired...  Life goes on

Today is Tuesday, Sept. 9th a Dieux

Read something this morning that puts everything in perspective and finally clicked...  Nothing is 'normal' nor will it ever be again.  This is my new normal.... the one where Tracy doesn't fill the room and no longer shares our life... so I'm winging it.

Today is Tuesday, September 9th

I don't know what to do with my grief... I miss my partner, my T... the one who put everything in perspective and figured it all out... always accessible with plenty of wit.  I'm going home at the end of the week and I'm scared cause I'm leaving our last shared space... a place he truly appreciated.  My return is to our home but he's never coming back... everything's changed and the tears just keep on flowing....

They say it gets easier... when?

Today is Saturday, September 6th

What would I do without the kindnesses of family and friends?

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...  the roller coaster of my emotions is enough to make me crazy... but everybody says it's normal.  Oh really?

So Jayne took me to Filoli Gardens today and we spent 3 hours enjoying the beauty of that magnificent estate and gardens... didn't freak out until I hit the gift shop and spoke to a dear friend... then the enormity of leaving the last place (the home in Palo Alto) that I shared with T and knowing how much he would have enjoyed the architecture and gardens and the questions he would have peppered the docent with hit me... thank God for family and chemical relief...

Time to reflect and heal... coming home soon...

Jayne & I

Today is Wednesday, Sept. 3rd

Gini just sent me this poem and it kinda sums it all up for me:

Staring at the little dots in the sky
Wondering which one is you
Asking the same question, why?
Only answer I know is that you knew.
Sitting by the window, watching the rain fall
Never felt so cold.
Remembered the last story you told.

Hold on and be strong
Live your life, do your things
For it's in heaven I belong
Go on and live your dreams

In a song I still hear you
In a flower I still see you
But your bed space is empty
It's just your memory that comforts me.
Missing you is a rollercoaster ride
Emotions up and down
Always wishing you are by my side

But I'll hold on and I'll be strong
Will live my life, do my things
And promise to live our dreams.

Nicolene Jansen van Vuuren 2011