Today is Saturday, August 30th

I've finally written Tracy's obituary.... huge monumental task for me... I won't publish it until I have a path for donations to fund the fight against this fucking disease.  I am pretty certain we'll either combine efforts with Cancer Avengers, Pete & Carol Lacey or devise a team dedicated to Tracy in the Aptos  Relay for Life.

I'm taking life slowly as I kiss T's ashes every morning and every night...  Life is learning how to live with plan B.

Today is Tuesday, August 26th

It's been a week.  Please bear with me...  I have to grieve him... in my own way.... please surround his spirit with love.  I need to be in my own space free to feel his loss... I need the time to be alone with Riley...  I'll go home to our home in awhile and I'll get on with it.  For now,  I need some space.

Today is Thursday, August, 21st

... two days seems like forever... keep expecting to hear his voice ...feel his arms around me as only he could comfort me... we always looked forward... I cherish our memories...

words to describe Tracy James McAvoy, the love of my life... my rock... the man who always challenged never threatened...unbridled curiosity...never afraid to speak his mind to honor his principles... artist and musician... undaunted love of the sea and it's creatures and every person no matter shape or size... loyalty, honesty and deep respect his trademarks... he never gave up on a friend or a goal or a puzzle..  his arms opened wide to embrace all of us...  the gentle giant with that deep sexy gravelly purr...


never met a problem he couldn't figure out and solve except Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia...

but indeed he gave it his all...

Glider Ride for Tracy's 60th 

T & A Kauai 9/13

A Skunk in the Art Shack

Stanford 12/13

Robben Ford at Kuumbwa 1/14

Transplant prep 2014

Our Bad Boy

Today is Wednesday, August 20th

My dear friends and family,

Our T passed peacefully yesterday at 3:45 AM.  I heard the ring at 3:53 as I awoke and so very reluctantly picked up the call... thought twice about not picking it up... like it wouldn't be true if I didn't answer the phone.  Thank God  Gar & Deb were here.

Tracy looked empty... vacant... his wonderful spirit had departed... so difficult to see him this way at the last.  My valiant warrior's gentle spirit had flown... I kissed his face and his lips but no longer did he pucker up...

Monday was a day where we were alone... just the two of us other than his nurse, Ernie... chosen by Courtney, the charge nurse of the day...  I spoke to T about all manner of things, related Riley's latest antics that morning... and I sang to him without tears... the wonderful harpist came in and sang as she played "over the rainbow" at my request.  I never left T's room all day... feeling rooted to him...tho' he never spoke... touching his face and chest and arm and finally as I left for the night.. he puckered up his lips and kissed me goodbye....

Today is Monday, August 18th

Tracy is slowly slipping away... very few words ... I believe he hears everything but his sight is failing... I continue to sit with him and love him as he prepares to transition...

I found this in "Final Words":

Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. 

Rossiter Worthington Raymond 
1840-1918

Today is Sunday, August 17th

I have very few words... I spend my days with Tracy and check in at night... sleep and do it again... hoping that he's at peace...

I watched the niners lose today with our T... He's the Ultimate Forty Niner Fan

Harpist serenading T

Today is Wednesday, August 13th

Happy Anniversary Gary & Deb!!!  15 years ago we celebrated in Ct.  We toast to another year!!

Meanwhile our family has rallied around T & I.  I haven't been alone at night... John & Shar, Jayne, Carla, Deanna & Gary, Gar & Deb have kept me company and they take turns staying with me.  I've lost track of time...

Tracy was admitted on July 16th for what we thought would be a few days of IV feeding to allow his GI tract to heal.  Escape to Paso, return to daily care and feeding, walking & cleansing of my T and then, everything seemed to go sideways.  As I was getting ready to make the trek to see T one Sat. morning;  the charge nurse called me to say T's heart had developed arrhythmia during the night and there'd been an 'event'.  T was now in an intermediate ICU for monitoring.   I hung up, sped to Stanford and called the troops. Scared.  Upon arrival, I was greeted by an ICU doctor who proceeded to relate in great detail what she'd done to save T as I slid down the wall in tears, saying stop, please, I can't process this.  Gary Reed arrived to gather me up and Carla & Jayne came soon after... Gary & Carla accompanied me on every meeting with the docs that day as I tried to cope and understand.... our T's liver had been ravaged by chemo and there was no return.... we told our story and the docs heard what a special man our T was... we hoped for peace.

Since then, we've had lots of struggles.... we've disagreed over whether T understands his plight and one day after 4 different docs insisted that we inform T that he was dying- I had a meltdown and threatened to call my attorney ( I don't have one ) if they persisted... I only want peace for T.... Turns out they hadn't been able to find T's health directive so, that was the reason for their insistence on speaking to T about his present state.  Finally past that one...

Next came T's not wanting to be touched.  He'd endured the constant moving, adjustments, jostling and cleansing for weeks and then, he very politely refused to be cleaned.  Totally out of character except that it was T's last vestige of control.   He's been a valiant warrior and because he's been so quietly accepting of the pain throughout this interminable 4 year process;  he continued to accept pain without protest.  Now he just wanted to be left alone.  Finally,  he admitted that the sheets even hurt his skin and Andrew, the head of the BMT team, was able to convince him to accept a pain medication - morphine.  He's been coasting since...

Music has sustained us and T's loved being serenaded by the hospital harpist and guitarist and Gar .... I've been able to sing to him at times... sometimes even without the tears.

Now we're making end of life decisions... T had decided 4 years ago to give his body to Stanford upon his passing.   Now the ? has arisen as to whom should receive his body.  The School of Anatomy ( I keep wanting to say autonomy ) or BMT.  Last night I made my decision.

 T's hung on longer than the BMT team expected but then, they really never knew our T.... did they?
I keep telling him his Courtney will be back on Thurs...

Today is Sunday, August 10th

In the wee small hours of the morning....   missing all the normalcy of life.  Johnny & Shar just left and my bed is too big... Riley anchors me... the days are torturous as I watch my beloved fight for the only control he has left.  Our loving family has wrapped me in their embrace yet most days I have no words... just raw emotion... oh my T...