Today is Thursday, March 24th 2022

 What a difference a day makes... that song wakes me... and puts me to sleep... I've been having health issues for about a year now.  Guess it's my turn.  It started a little after I started working with my personal trainer.  Fell in love with crunches... would you believe???  and all of a sudden the trouble began..... terrible cramping on my side and then, it became pain... pain that grabs and won't let go...writhing on the floor of the bathroom not knowing if I can throw up or shit it away... can't ignore it and yet, it's intermittent.  Help?  Kept complaining but with the pandemic raging in 2020 -2021 never found the exact help I needed.  Kept contacting the gastroenterology dept who ordered tests but not THE test.  Finally, the PA listened.  She ordered a CT Scan and they found the culprit.  A 2.2 cm. benign lipoma which would be removed along with about 10 inches of small bowel on April 2nd 2021; 4 months of excruciating pain later and about 2 weeks after the scan.  This lipoma had an ulcer on the end of it and had been twisting the small bowel.  Hence, intense pain as the bowel curved back on itself.  Where did it come from?  Why?  Who knows?  The surgery was the answer.  NOT!!!  

Several visits back to the surgeon and finally, as COVID procedures allowed, a visit to the GP:  she should be the manager of my trauma.  She would direct traffic.  Ahhh... at last after being offered a ridiculous panacea by the surgeon and agreed to by the GP (which I accepted BTW) STRETCH!  that should alleviate the cramping.   Well, here I am a year later.... cramping, extreme bloating, pain, bouts with constipation and diarrhea, intermittent anemia and then, seemingly without any warning other than shortness of breath... Pneumonia.  Well, as I sat with my acupuncturist, Katie as the needles cooked... my symptoms added up to SIBO:  Small intestine bacterial overgrowth.  Ahhh  lucky enough to get back to see the same PA, Kim Elliott who'd listened last year.  She agreed to the synopsis and would treat empirically.  Go for the virulent antibiotics, a double 2 week course which should attack and fix the problem.  One and done... unfortunately for me... all the stool cultures have come back negative and I'm looking like I'm 6 months pregnant with no appetite, nausea, no energy and no reprieve with another week to go on the antibiotics.  What to do?

I'm beside myself.  Utterly frustrated.  Depressed... yes.. Wouldn't you be?  I'm sick of being sick!!!!  I've been offered band aids but nothing has worked.  After a long conversation with 2 friends and harkening back to my T time of discovery, perhaps an infectious diseases expert could be the key?  After all, back in '99 when T was admitted for an unknown virus attacking his body, Dr. Armstrong, an expert infectious diseases expert, came to his rescue.  He was willing to study and experiment and not just apply a band aid.   I believe that the path forward and out of the pervading gloom is to explore and eliminate all the possibilities including ovarian cancer, gall bladder or irritation from scar tissue?  I need answers not placations... 

Let's switch subjects... ah politics... war on truth... Ketanji Brown Jackson is Biden's choice for the Supreme Court.  Fabulous choice but the confirmation hearings are a cruel joke.  She is being eviscerated by the usual flunkies... Cruz, Hawley, Cotton who are all poor excuses for rational human beings... ridiculous questions which allow no possibilities for response or pertinence other than future alt right sound bits for the questioners in the next elections.  Has to be said... if Kavanaugh's outbursts didn't queer his confirmation... this justice certainly has withstood their attacks with aplomb worthy of her next office.  What would have happened if she had followed his suit and counter attacked????  There is no equality of the sexes when these angry white men prevail.   Just think what they're orchestrating with the tacit consent of the Christians?  Voter suppression... elimination of self determination with the inability to have an abortion... and on and on and let's talk about truth... How does Fox get away with Tucker Carlson parroting and endorsing the Russian propaganda line?  How do lies become accepted as truth?  That goes back to Trumpism.... ah that's another day..

Carpe diem... I'm trying...

Today is Wednesday, March 9th 2022

 Good morning and it truly is... listening to music, drinking my third cup of coffee and wondering what today will unveil... Cenz pops in ... his velvety smooth tenor as his upturned face reveals his raw emotion and that unbelievable voice sings me home....

Been mired in memories for months now... they're not with us any longer but I see them everywhere.  Is that good or bad?  It feels important to me.  Perhaps it's that I don't want to forget them... that's not gonna happen.  I feel them around me and I'm grateful that I had the pleasure of spending time with them.

Saw my acupuncturist and we collaborated... my symptoms are getting worse and perhaps they add up to SIBO - small intestine bacterial overgrowth.  Emailed my doctor and hopefully, she's listening.  I want to get back to normal and I know there is an answer.

More to come.... stay positive...

Today is Wednesday, March 2nd 2022

 Thinking... ruminating... obsessing... judging.... condemning.... forgiving...  repeat.   Age old story...  Stuck and then... it's a beautiful day.  Been down with pneumonia since diagnosed on January 27th but truthfully, it's been longer than that.  Exhaustion has plagued me and yet, I chose to ignore it until I couldn't.  Right now, while typing this;  I'm obsessing about the length of my fingernails...  makes it impossible to play piano or guitar (course it'd be more important if I could really play either)... but then, I have both instruments and I'd like to try so, guess I'll be cutting these beauties soon... 

Lots of solitary time due to the pandemic and pneumonia which reinforces the feeling of loss...  perhaps a lapse into grieving for the life of togetherness which ceased 7.5 years ago.  When we were together we could conquer anything... the plurality of 2 meant there was always support... back up... strength... love... romance... conversation... debate... drama... comedy... music... politics and that underlying feeling of importance.  WE mattered... our existence was real... Death tore the foundation of who WE were and shook up my understanding of who I am.  Alone, unfettered by constraints of obligation to another I slipped into anonymity...  I grappled with why I was doomed to oneness again after 21 years of together.... of belonging.  Grieving for what was rather than accepting what is. 

 Life after death is tricky... succumbing to the acceptance of widowhood... a terrible club whose admittance is obligatory and damn cruel.  I've survived but the plurality of 2 hasn't.  Was it somehow my fault?  Did I push too hard?  Did I push him away?  Reality is just that.  I am alone again.  Acceptance is tough but necessary... after all there's no going back.  Welcome to the abyss...

Here I am.... deciding what direction to go in.... writing may help the transition... Who knows?  Can't hurt!

Today is Sunday, February 27th, 2022

I awoke this morning with feelings of intense gratitude.  It's the end of February and it seems we may be winding down from the intensity of COVID or perhaps that's just wishing and hoping....

 making coffee and turned to see the early morning light in the gallery...  I realize just how lucky I am.  Recovering from pneumonia (it's a month last Friday) and started Floridex (liquid iron) again... I feel my strength coming back slowly....ahhh  This has been quite a year... 

last April 2021 finally found the cause of months of stomach pain and had surgery to remove a 2.2 centimeter benign lipoma lodged in my intestine along with about 10 inches of bowel.  Took awhile to get over that invasive incursion...anemia and exhaustion reigned for a few months and then.. 

June 4th my custom ordered 911 Cabriolet Carrerra arrived in LA complete with hand stitched blue on red leather interior and Thelma and Louise picked it up and indulged in the Porsche Experience...wow!  Shar & I did Manhattan Beach, Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo and Paso Robles searching for wine, dine and music without Brad Pitt (aw😢) and forgoing that ending...💖

I guess I'm playing catch-up...no entries since 2020...There were lots of moments of anguish and grief in 2021 and then, the sun came out... I was able to travel solo to Alaska on an Uncruise Adventure in August which was fabulous!!!  Small ship - 55 cruisers and kayaking, bushwhacking and hiking plus camaraderie of new friends into Denali for a week and then onto a Glacial adventure proved that I could travel alone and totally enjoy the experience!

Finished out the year with a trip to McMinnville, ORE. for Thanksgiving with family and Christmas on Cape Cod and New Hampshire to celebrate Johnny's 75th and see the whole family...  not always easy especially traveling at Christmas with all the cancellations due to weather but a sense of humor got me thru...

It's now time to complete T's Quilt.  Just laid his T-shirts out on the office floor... got a lot of trimming and adding to do but hopefully, I've found someone to guide me through the process.  I want to add a photo of T and one of Riley and perhaps one of us together.  Then it's choosing the fabrics... then at long last I'll wrap myself in it and him while relaxing...

Well, whaddayathink about Putin's war?  I know that it's time to stop our decline into autocratic far right decay... on that note, our Viking itinerary is being altered as we speak.  There is no way we can spend 2 days in St. Petersburg, visit Tallinn, Estonia or cruise the Baltic in May...so, we're rerouting to the Nile sometime later this year... ahhh

I feel for the people of Ukraine and yearn for peace for all... this is not going to end well...but we must be united with the rest of NATO and resist this maniac's quest for more power...

Glad to be back and for heavens sake Carpe Diem!!!

Today is Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

 Today is the 25th anniversary of one of the most significant days of my life... I married the love of my life, Tracy James McAvoy... he's been gone about 6.5 years now but I treasure the time I spent with a man who loved and lived as a man driven by his ideals... I am truly grateful to have spent almost 21 years with a principled hero who would always find the solution and stay true to his moral compass.

Treasure the memories but keep living...

Today is Tuesday, October 27th 2020

I awoke with a blog in my head... only 4 hours sleep but an idea yearning to be told...

One week until election day and the whole world is watching and frightened.  My world has been disrupted by Covid19 along with countless others... sleepless nights...fear of exposure forces me indoors socially distanced from most... which leaves me talking to myself and poking fun at anything and everything including myself... 

The orange con man has taken us all for a ride...our country has been brutalized by this 4 year old who seeks self aggrandizement at every turn... everything we took for granted as decent and moral has been stomped on by this petulant vindictive child.  The final blow was the elevation... the stuffing of Amy Barrett on the Supreme Court yesterday.  In one fell swoop the court has severed its status as a third separate branch of our government and become a lethal arm of the president, a campaign ad and a political cartoon.  Who was it that said "What have you got to lose?"

Everything is at stake. Our way of life is at stake. Democracy, our Republic is at stake.  The comparisons to Hitler's rise can't be ignored.  Slowly but surely, he and his enabling Republicans have stripped away all the safeguards to ensure their power can't be disrupted.  Even our faith in the Post Office has been destroyed while his henchman has demoralized and deconstructed their basic way of doing business.  At every turn, this con man with the guiding hand of Moscow Mitch has stolen the sacred accepted tenets of government and substituted chaos.  

I have found faith... the Biden Harris ticket must prevail and Joe and Kamala must rewrite the wrongs and prosecute the demons...  FAITH is the only thing that will sustain us in the coming week and action:

                                                    VOTE BLUE!!!!

Today is Sunday, October 25th, 2020

 Happy birthday Gar!  Yup there have been several b'days recently and we've celebrated in very small groups which are socially distanced... and our masks are never far from our faces.  I'm feeling fine except for a small tweak on the muscle that feeds my right knee... I am very grateful to be alive and healthy!!!

As the countdown to the election is moving quickly, I'm looking forward to change... seems like everyone has finally gotten the message...VOTE!!!  It's gratifying to see people exercising their civic duty even in the face of long lines and intimidation.  I'm hopeful for our United States.

Been doing a lot of hiking lately and enjoying it!  The air is clear and the temperatures are slowly returning to the 60-70's.  Perfect!  So, as I contemplate my navel and anticipate the Niners game today against the Patriots (I'll be cheering for the 9ers but I am kind of torn as a New England native)  I am also excited about the possibilities of getting past COVID with a new administration!!!

GO NINERS!!!!