Today is Monday, August 31st

I've been aiming at writing for days now... interesting how that happens... as I try to settle Ry down.  He just doesn't want to come in tonite.  Finally dragged his bed out to the landing.  Hopefully, he'll come in sometime soon....been a very long day...actually a very long couple weeks.

First anniversary of T's leaving left me devastated... several days of heavy grieving as I marked his passing and mourned his continued absence.  I know.. I know... I should be over it but sadly,  I'm not.  I'm just trying to get used to it... as life goes on...and T keeps sending business my way.

Music is comforting and when I can handle it, I'm trying to hear it live... after all is said and done... music fills my soul... and makes life worth living...

Today is Tuesday, August 18th

How do I miss you?  How do I count the ways?  How do I fill the gaps? How do I go on?

My dearest Tracy,  a few times in the 21 years we were together; I wondered what it would be like to be without you... just cause of the normal everyday differences of opinion.  Did I jinx us?  I hope not.

Would I feel the way I feel right now if I hadn't loved you with all my heart?  I know I'm blessed to have loved with my whole heart and every fiber of my being... You were my everything... you fit in every situation and ever micro clique... it didn't matter to you or me as long as we were together.  You were the character that always was true to himself and even tho' at times it rubbed me or the company raw; I loved you for it...  I know I probably could have valued the amazing work and care you took of our home, the home that you designed and built, more deeply and apparently.  I know that now, when I'm left to take care of it and our rentals.... which you also had total control over...  but now, when I talk to tradesman and they marvel at the way you, T, built this house down to the attention to detail of the sprinkler system;  I realize I didn't appreciate your talent enough....please forgive me, my love....

I miss you so... it's almost a year since you graced me with your presence.  I miss your "hi baby" and your warm embrace even when it was purely your eyes that encompassed me. You were so pure... so real... so you and so grateful to awake each morning.  When I'm lucky enough to walk on the beach with our Riley,  I remember how you reveled in the day no matter what the temperature and you always welcomed the rain... and the marine life....

I guess I'll always love you... you will always be in my heart... you have the lion's share of my heart after my Cenzo,  Mom, Dad and the myriad of friends and family who have already passed from this plane.  I wonder what the future holds for souls such as mine....

Here is Tracy's poem that he wrote on the blackboard in my home office and that I treasure:

My love
is like a river
flowing to you
always and forever

I cherish the 21 years I shared with my husband, Tracy James McAvoy....